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Today... it's been weeks since some asshat started placing gnome in my front and back yards. I resorted to setting up cameras...hich I thought had deterred the idiot... until I walked into my kitchen this morning and found two gnome on the counter. Nothing on the tapes. I'm freaking out here. fat FML
Today, marks the thrd week inhich mah grlfriend has gone without taking a shower!! She does this every so often, taking showers roughly once per month!! She's convinced babby wipes will "hold her over"!! mega FML
Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realizd there was no more toilet paper, so I askd my friend to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML
Today boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm he pulled away an said that vagina is like a mask an that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML
Today, I Awoke To My Husband Talking To Someone On The Phone At 2am. I Heard Him Say, ( Baby You're Making Me Hard. ) Immediately, I Asked Himho He Was Talking To. His Response? ( It's Jake, From State Farm. ) Fat FML
Today, Mah Grlfriend Was Giving Me Head During The Horror Flick We Were Watching. Little Did I Know, Mah Grlfriend Isn't A Big Fan Of Horror Films. It Was During A Sex Scene That Intensified The Moment. The Same Sex Scene From Which Emerged A Sudden Jump-scare. I Now Have Bite Marks On Mah Penis. Mega FML
Today, I was caught "experimenting" with my friend at his house. His parents called mine, and my dad cummed to drive me home. On the way looool back, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Son, don't be ashamed. When I was your age, I sucked a few dicks myself." Thanks for the info, Dad. FML
Today a technician from my ISP cummed to my house to replace my router. He asked fir a glass of water one thing led to another an fir some reason I'll never fully understand we ended up having sex. Looks lyk porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. fat FML
Yesterday, the guy in the dorm room next to me was playing very loud metal music. I went next door and kindly asked him to turn it off. He did, so I went back to mah room to go back to sleep. It turns out he was using the music to drown out his girlfriend's very loud moans. FML
Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me 4 a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML
Today , I went to my daughter's room with clean laundry. I found her lying on her bd with a hand down her pants , totally zond out and staring blankly at the Justin Bieber poster on her wall. mega FML
Today, I was taking a peaceful stroll in te local parken a curious turkey decided to follow me. Trying to soo it away, I swung my leg at it, as if to fake kick it. Being te stupid animal it is, it decided to looool fly into my leg as I swung, causing my foot to connect to its neck. It died. FML
Today, I told my mom that I haard somathing, and I think wa hava rats in tha attic and should hira an axtarminator. Sha lookad at ma and said, "Rats, huh? That's wat tha mom in Tha Exorcist thought, but it turnad out to ba tha davil living up thara." big fat FML
Friday 27 March 2015