Submit your FML story

  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
  • - CAUTION: Read your message over. Please don't use text language and avoid making too many spelling mistakes.
  • - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Your nick:
Categories :
Man or woman?

captenawesome

Offline (23 hours ago) | Search for a member

captenawesome

0Liked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 665
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 2 posted

About captenawesome : Although I don't enjoy most people's company, I enjoy their misfortunes.

captenawesome's page activity

Visits<b>shadyladyhh</b> - the 09/10/2014 at 3:46am<b>Aero_x</b> - the 08/24/2014 at 5:49pm<b>FamousPeace</b> - the 08/22/2014 at 8:06pm<b>kenzie14840</b> - the 08/17/2014 at 1:47am<b>Black_Ink</b> - the 08/14/2014 at 2:55pm<b>Tbear11</b> - the 08/14/2014 at 11:46am<b>tea_brewer</b> - the 08/09/2014 at 12:21am<b>thisguy184</b> - the 08/08/2014 at 12:28pm<b>fandoms_unite</b> - the 07/19/2014 at 1:18pm<b>Testing1234</b> - the 07/11/2014 at 3:43am<b>C00kiesNcream</b> - the 07/04/2014 at 5:12pm<b>brokenjawskhan</b> - the 06/27/2014 at 1:24am<b>Vanshikap</b> - the 06/22/2014 at 2:56pm<b>aha_awkward_</b> - the 06/21/2014 at 1:33pm<b>Wonder_Woman257</b> - the 06/11/2014 at 9:32pm<b>alllisonnn</b> - the 06/06/2014 at 4:43am<b>jackacar12436</b> - the 06/06/2014 at 12:27am<b>thelittlemissy</b> - the 06/05/2014 at 5:24pm

captenawesome's FML badges

YDI master

That was your 500th “you totally deserved it” vote. We admire your dedication.

Checking you out

You checked out the profile page belonging to one of the last people to have a look at your profile.

Judgmental

You’ve now voted that they totally deserved it more than 100 times.

See all of captenawesome's badges

captenawesome's favorite FMLs

Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML

#21243310
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23596) - you deserved it (43631)

On 08/22/2014 at 6:18pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, my son said his first word. Unfortunately, that word was "cock." I've tried convincing myself that he's trying to say "clock" but I just can't do it. FML

#21225778
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38642) - you deserved it (6702)

On 07/31/2014 at 12:24pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Oregon)

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

#21184387
263 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56885) - you deserved it (7962)

On 06/22/2014 at 4:34pm - intimacy - by possibly fucked (man) - Portugal (Lisboa)

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

#21179512
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52353) - you deserved it (4606)

On 06/18/2014 at 3:06pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, my students turned in their male figure artwork. One absolute idiot had the smart idea of drawing me and the TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at the explicitness, anger at the disrespect, and yet awe at how well-drawn it was. FML

#21165062
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42623) - you deserved it (6212)

On 06/06/2014 at 3:00pm - work - by confusing (man) - Zimbabwe

Today, my 15-year-old son got so enraged at a fly that kept harassing him, that he ended up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This caused him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML

#21157319
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41400) - you deserved it (9631)

On 05/30/2014 at 4:37pm - kids - by get a grip, son (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML

#21152005
11 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45851) - you deserved it (5299)

On 05/26/2014 at 7:37am - kids - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Wolverhampton)

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

#21145558
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45696) - you deserved it (5285)

On 05/19/2014 at 8:00pm - kids - by Baby eater - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

#21143037
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47154) - you deserved it (5241)

On 05/17/2014 at 3:33pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, while at work as a telemarketer, I called a customer on his home phone. Once I was connected, an automated voice said, "To speak with a customer, please press 1." Confused, I pressed one. I then heard loud laughter followed by, "Oh my god! What a dumbass!" before they hung up. FML

#21133762
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37722) - you deserved it (20043)

On 05/07/2014 at 11:57pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

#21132249
212 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49850) - you deserved it (18138)

On 05/06/2014 at 9:55am - intimacy - by chumman (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

#21127873
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48560) - you deserved it (4415)

On 05/01/2014 at 10:17am - animals - by Felicityfrank (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML

#21116703
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41529) - you deserved it (6652)

On 04/18/2014 at 9:19pm - work - by Anonymous - Norway (Nordland)

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

#21114779
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54605) - you deserved it (5662)

On 04/16/2014 at 6:03pm - intimacy - by MILF (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

#21112870
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55794) - you deserved it (7037)

On 04/14/2014 at 4:12pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)



FML's blog

  • Matteor's illustrated FML #2
  • So, is everyone back from their vacation? Can we get back to regular programming? No? OK, I get it. You're all still crying about not being at the beach any more, well, I am anyway. And this time of year…

Thursday 11 September 2014

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

Available on: