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candiicane's FML badges
I like your style
You've liked someone. How cute!
Why am I up so early?
You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.
An insomniac or a creature of the dark
You commented on an FML between 1 and 3 am.
candiicane's favorite FMLs
Today, while shopping, my six-year-old son threw a tantrum because I wouldn't buy him a video game. I ended up having to grab his arm and leave the store. He screamed that I was kidnapping him, at which point I was socked in the face and pinned to the floor by three bystanders. FML
by Zora / 07/15/2012 at 7:13pm / Norway (Hordaland) / Kids
Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML
by Anonymous / 06/04/2012 at 2:21pm / United States (Mississippi) / Love
by jingle / 05/25/2012 at 7:18am / United States (Delaware) / Work
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
by Anonymous / 04/13/2012 at 10:06pm / France / Miscellaneous
by Beth / 04/13/2012 at 10:12am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love
Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML
by Wannabees / 04/03/2012 at 1:13am / Canada / Miscellaneous
by zobara / 02/01/2012 at 11:35pm / Switzerland / Money
by joeshmoe / 01/15/2012 at 7:52am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML
by greenintheface / 04/30/2011 at 2:27am / United States (Michigan) / Health
by greenchan / 02/25/2011 at 12:12am / United States (Vermont) / Intimacy
by SkinsCastSelection / 01/17/2011 at 4:53am / France / Intimacy
Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML
by Anonymous / 12/01/2010 at 7:36pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous
Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML
by ...thanks honey / 08/18/2010 at 2:23am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my boss' office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him of a new message. FML
by boredatwork / 01/29/2010 at 10:33am / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML
by NotAParabola / 10/07/2009 at 12:39am / United States (Oregon) / Love
- 1Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his… 2Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say… 3Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right…
- Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring… Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is… Today, I got dumped because I was on my period. Apparently he was pissed because I have one "like,…