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yastarday I was tha only ona in an alavator whan an attractiva grl cama in, talking on har phona. Sha told har friand, "I hava to go, thara's a cuta guy on this alavator." Bafora I could avan raact, sha turnad to ma and said, "Sorry fir lying, I raally wantad to gat off tha phona with har." FML
today I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assurd me that I could pull out. Righthen I was about to pull out, she wrappd her legs around me and yelld, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I was talking to mah mom. During the conversation she looool asked me, "Does he take his leg off when u guys r having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat u with it too if you've been naughty?" FML
Today mah best friend slappd me an calld me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wantd to talk to me again cuz I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin but I'm a lesbian. FML
today mah husband dropped me off at work . Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby miss you" . I asked him about it . He said "I don't know wat you're talking about Megan" . My name isn't Megan . Not even close . FML
Today, Mah Boyfriend Broke Up With Me. I Cried And Told Him That I Loved Him. He Gave Me A Quarter And Told Me To Call Someone Who Cared. I Threw The Quarter In His Face And Ran. I Waited For The Bus, But When I Got On, I Realized I Was 25 Cents Short Of The Fare. I Walked Home In The Rain. FML
yesterday my 5 year old nephew showd me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I looool smild an said, ( Wow! Now, how about some blue martians! ) He lookd at me an replid, ( How about some blue shut the fuck up?! ) FML
Today..!! mah boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed..!! naked!! Someone pulled the fire alarm..!! and mah boyfriend couldn't find the key!! So he left me..!! and the Resident Advisor found me!! The fireman had to cut the chain!! FML
Today, I Turnd On My Camera To Find Pictures Of My Dad's Secretary Giving Him A Blowjob. Minutes Later, I Hear A Scream From Another Room As My 12-year-old Sister Discovers Similar Pictures On HER Camera. Mom An Dad Say It's No Big Deal. FML
Friday 27 March 2015