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blueberrypsycho's favorite FMLs
Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML
by Dontworryaboutit / 12/28/2009 at 5:16am / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML
by Fatty / 12/27/2009 at 2:15am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML
by shallowvomit1013 / 12/22/2009 at 8:09pm / United States (South Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, I walked into Old Navy to buy myself a pair of jingle jammies. Save yourself the embarrassment: don't shake the jammies in the middle of the store to hear the jingling, because these jammies do not jingle. You'll just look like an idiot. FML
by sarabalism / 12/17/2009 at 12:07am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
by CH / 12/07/2009 at 1:06am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML
by Sassers / 12/03/2009 at 4:08pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals
Today, I found out I will not be getting my class ring. The jeweler has a policy against doing engravings that contain "obscene or offensive language or phrases". What obscene phrase did I want? My initials and year. W.T.F. 2010. FML
by Grad2010 / 11/18/2009 at 2:41pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML
by anonymous / 11/16/2009 at 1:00am / Japan (Okinawa) / Kids
by Anon / 11/06/2009 at 7:32pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 11/04/2009 at 4:42pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous
by pandroida / 10/25/2009 at 11:56am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, I went to a 'haunted' theme park, actors had been trying to scare me the whole night. I was waiting by an outdoor heater for my friend when a hand came out of nowhere close to my face. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it was only some chick wanting to warm her hands by the heater. FML
by mack / 10/25/2009 at 4:54am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to McDonalds to get breakfast. I sat my food down at a table and went to get some napkins and a straw. I returned to the table to find that my food was gone, and could hear nothing but "SUCKKAAAA" trailing from the entrance to the restaurant. Some jerk stole my meal. FML
by HungryGirl / 10/24/2009 at 10:45am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/21/2009 at 10:58pm / United States (California) / Animals
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…