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Today, I got written up for not making a drink right. While getting yelled at by my boss, my co-worker made the drink the same exact way I made it. I pointed it out. My boss responded with, "He is allowed to because I like him, I don't like you." FML
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On 09/16/2009 at 12:19pm - work - by Nakdnathan (man) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I woke up to find my cat, dead, hanging from the ceiling fan. On the wall, it said, "You touch my wife's pussy , I touch yours." My friend who lives across the street was talking about having great fun last night with an older woman. Wrong house. FML
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On 09/13/2009 at 2:37pm - intimacy - by Person1233 (man) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML
I agree, your life sucks (39359) - you totally deserved it (1393)
On 08/11/2009 at 11:07pm - kids - by ahhahaha (man) - United States (New Mexico)
Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. 20 minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML
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On 07/30/2009 at 10:43am - misc - by dumbo (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML
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On 07/28/2009 at 6:28pm - intimacy - by notsexy (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I said to the pool-boy of my house: “I know what you are doing and you have to stop it.” He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML
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On 07/23/2009 at 7:13am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - Greece (Attiki)
Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML
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On 07/01/2009 at 3:18pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)
Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML
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On 06/20/2009 at 2:01am - misc - by Dumbass - United States (Florida)
Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 3:51pm - intimacy - by FML.. (woman) - China (Hebei)
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 3:39pm - intimacy - by creepermagnet (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I was walking out of a Starbucks and saw someone walking out behind me, thinking it would be the nice thing to do I held the door open. I was holding the door for about 30 seconds before realizing I was holding the door for my own shadow. FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 12:14am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Ohio)
Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML
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On 04/04/2009 at 9:07pm - kids - by Nottheprettylady (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my friends were being rude to me, so I decided to be nice to a boy that didn't have many friends. While I was talking to him he popped a pimple on his face and tasted it and offered some to me. FML
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On 04/03/2009 at 1:16am - misc - by lalanon (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)
Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML
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On 04/03/2009 at 12:19am - love - by kenken2 (man) - United States (California)
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
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On 04/02/2009 at 1:13am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)
