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Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML
Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML
Today, I went in for a doctors appointment. When I got on the scale, I was really excited to see that I'd lost ten pounds since the last time I weighed myself at the gym. The doctor then severely lectured me on the fact that I had gained twenty since my visit last year. FML
Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML
Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML
Today, I got into a fight with the dryer over a plastic toy car. My hand is bleeding and numb, three of my nails are broken and I have a bruise on my chin. The plastic car is still stuck in the now broken dryer. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML
Today, after years of thinking I was weird for never being attracted to anyone, I realized that for the first time in my life I actually have a crush on someone. That 'someone' is my English teacher. He is 60. I am 18. FML
Today, my boyfriend offered to give me a piggyback ride from the house to the car as means of avoiding walking in mud. Both aware of how tall he is, he crouched extra low and I jumped extra hard. This makes for a terrible example of leapfrog, and a faceplant in the mud. FML
Friday 4 September 2015