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asb818's FML badges
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100 kick ass comments
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asb818's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 09/21/2013 at 12:07am / United States (Mississippi) / Health
Today, I met my birth mother. My dad won't talk to me, my mom won't stop crying and thinks I'm replacing her, and the rest of my family won't stop calling me a bitch. I'm 21, and I just wanted to meet the woman who pushed me head-first out of her vagina. FML
by TaraBURGER / 09/17/2013 at 3:57am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML
by Anonymous / 08/26/2013 at 7:12pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, at the yacht club I work at a girl ordered a Portabella wrap. She asked for no cheese or veggies, just the Portabellas. After she got the sandwich and ate half of it, she sent it back saying she didn't know it had mushrooms in it. FML
by anonymous / 08/16/2013 at 10:05am / United States (Michigan) / Work
by -_____- / 07/31/2013 at 5:23pm / Netherlands / Intimacy
Today, I called to confirm the appointment that I made over six months ago at the tattoo studio. Turns out my particular artist "doesn't work Tuesdays" and that they also miraculously have no record of my appointment, nor the cash deposit I had to put down. FML
by pittman137 / 07/30/2013 at 12:29pm / United States (Idaho) / Money
Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML
by Anonymous / 07/29/2013 at 4:19am / United States (Illinois) / Animals
Today, I did a photoshoot with my boyfriend and his buddy. We drove out to the countryside and set up on top of a hill. My boyfriend kept having me move further and further back. I eventually fell and rolled down the steep hill, while he and his buddy high-fived each other. FML
by -_- / 07/28/2013 at 6:58pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML
by Anonymous / 07/18/2013 at 2:16pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I called a tree removal company to have my diseased elm removed. When I got home from work, I was surprised to find it still there. Not as surprised as my neighbor was to discover that his tree was missing, nor as surprised as his children when they saw there was no more tree-house. FML
by Anonymous / 07/18/2013 at 10:38am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/10/2013 at 12:38pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids
by Anonymous / 07/05/2013 at 2:11am / United States (Iowa) / Money
Today, I left hospital after a three-night stay. Whilst waiting for my taxi to arrive, my mother called me in hysterics wanting to know where I was, because the police had called her and told her I had gone missing. Turns out my doctor "forgot" to tell anyone that I was discharged. FML
by Becckzfizz / 06/20/2013 at 10:10am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Health
by hinting / 06/17/2013 at 12:43pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, I woke up early to travel to the office headquarters 3.5 hours away for important meetings. After waking up at 5.30am, picking up all my colleagues and driving 40 min out of town, I realised I was wearing my woolen house slippers. They were the only pair of shoes I'd brought on the trip. FML
by vanity113 / 06/13/2013 at 12:04am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Transportation
- 1Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he… 2Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's… 3Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't…