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amherta505

Offline (the 03/28/2015 at 4:45am) | Search for a member

amherta505

0Fucked!

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  • Number of visits : 1626
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  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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amherta505's FML badges

Mobility

You are connected to FML via the mobile site or an app. How modern.

Keen reader – Level: master ninja

You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

This isn't what should be happening

You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.

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amherta505's favorite FMLs

Today, my girlfriend texted me "I think we should move in". Then, ten seconds later she sent another text that said, "Sorry, typo. Move on". FML

Today, my dentist dropped dead of a heart attack. This depressing event was made worse by the fact that he collapsed while his hands were in my mouth. FML

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

#20787584
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59410) - you deserved it (7023)

On 07/17/2013 at 12:48am - animals - by anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, the guy I like asked me what he should do for the girl he has a crush on. I told him to give her flowers and tell her how he feels. Later that day my doorbell rang, and he stood there holding flowers. He said the magical words, "My car broke down, can you give me a lift?" FML

#20778979
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65799) - you deserved it (4912)

On 07/13/2013 at 12:22am - love - by Stacy (woman) - United States

Today, as part of my veterinary degree, I had to demonstrate how to jerk off a dog in front of my entire class. Afterwards, the lecturer said that I have the 'magic touch'. FML

#20775868
201 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59470) - you deserved it (6979)

On 07/11/2013 at 11:18am - work - by vet1 (man) - South Africa (Gauteng)

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

#20758244
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49670) - you deserved it (8983)

On 07/01/2013 at 4:35pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my daughter's obsession with Canada got out way of hand when she was suspended for climbing up the flagpole, in an attempt to replace the flag with a red-and-white maple leaf one. FML

Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML

#20743795
217 comments

I agree, your life sucks (83311) - you deserved it (7609)

On 06/24/2013 at 12:37am - intimacy - by jgtrflynn (woman) - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

#20739103
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43769) - you deserved it (4844)

On 06/21/2013 at 2:05pm - health - by assholedad (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML

#20734991
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58038) - you deserved it (4322)

On 06/19/2013 at 10:39am - misc - by Overprotected (woman) - United States

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

#20731352
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (73306) - you deserved it (4320)

On 06/17/2013 at 12:43pm - intimacy - by hinting (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

#20723435
258 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60631) - you deserved it (5453)

On 06/13/2013 at 12:19pm - intimacy - by Hannah (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

#20719275
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45959) - you deserved it (6887)

On 06/11/2013 at 10:00am - animals - by Rjlup - United States (Colorado)

Today, I could no longer handle the drum music in the apartment below me so I went to kindly ask the little old lady to shut it off before she goes to bed. Her neighbor came out while I knocked to tell me she is out of town and the music is constant so her cats don't get lonely. FML

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

#20709553
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55790) - you deserved it (11264)

On 06/06/2013 at 12:32pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Senegal



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