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alfalfalaffa's favorite FMLs
Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML
by fuckel4 / 07/01/2016 at 4:12pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work
Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML
by Justme / 06/30/2016 at 2:20pm / United States (Montana) / Transportation
by AstonBrown / 06/15/2016 at 1:53pm / United States (Ohio) / Work
Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML
by anon / 08/30/2015 at 2:20am / United States (Illinois) / Work
by Anonymous / 08/24/2015 at 2:08pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 08/11/2015 at 10:23pm / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Intimacy
Today, I got all excited because I thought my crush was flirting with me, when in actuality she was taking advantage of me liking her so she and her friends could make fun of my speech impediment. FML
by SY5623 / 08/11/2015 at 8:00pm / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Miscellaneous
by Gonzales / 08/07/2015 at 3:47pm / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Intimacy
Today, I went to the restaurant where my date and I were supposed to meet. After half an hour he still hadn't arrived, so I texted him. He replied with a half-hearted apology and said he couldn't come because his cat had fallen asleep on his lap and he didn't want to wake it. FML
by Anonymous / 08/01/2015 at 12:10am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love
by Sad Mom / 07/24/2015 at 10:04pm / United States (Texas) / Kids
Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML
by Humiliated & Heart-Broken / 07/30/2014 at 12:41am / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, my wrists were hurting really bad while working the production line. I was told to let my supervisor know so he can help accommodate it. Both supervisors responded by ending my employment there to make sure I don't suffer long term damage. FML
by mousiepie / 05/02/2014 at 5:36am / United States (California) / Work
Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML
by god / 04/29/2014 at 2:48pm / United Kingdom (West Lothian) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/01/2013 at 1:07am / United States / Miscellaneous
by hamburger / 07/06/2013 at 5:21pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
- 1Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had… 2Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went… 3Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation…
- Today, I bought a non-refundable $200 plane ticket to Ohio to be with my girlfriend who moved there… Today, while browsing the Internet on my phone I noticed a spider above my bed. Being pretty chill… Today, my best friend, who just got his drivers license, convinced me to take my dads brand new car…