Please learn to respect people's opinions. If you can't do that, don't bother to say anything to me as I have no time or space in my life for ignorance or for anyone pushing beliefs in my face.
Also, I'd like to make mention of my hot ride when I was four. It was way cooler than your hot ride at four. Thank you.
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML
I agree, your life sucks (17808) - you totally deserved it (67010)
On 05/07/2009 at 10:45am - intimacy - by eeh (woman) - United States (Ohio)
Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML
I agree, your life sucks (58309) - you totally deserved it (4567)
On 04/19/2009 at 10:09pm - health - by Litterbox (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
I agree, your life sucks (28507) - you totally deserved it (88165)
On 04/06/2009 at 3:51pm - intimacy - by FML.. (woman) - China (Hebei)
Today, I was going on a dinner date with a girl I had just met. After I picked her up I asked her if she would like to get lobster. She looked at me and asked if those were the red ones. Confused I nodded. She replied, "Sorry, I don't eat red meat." I laughed. She was serious. FML
I agree, your life sucks (46847) - you totally deserved it (3374)
On 04/06/2009 at 1:15pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was ringing up a lady and her daughter at the shoe store I work at. The background on my nametag is a rainbow, and when the daughter saw it, she asked her mother why it was so. Her mother looks at my nametag, then me, then turns to her daughter and says "Because he hates God honey". FML
I agree, your life sucks (49742) - you totally deserved it (2415)
On 04/05/2009 at 11:14pm - work - by maconda99 (man) - United States (Colorado)
Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML
I agree, your life sucks (69303) - you totally deserved it (8886)
On 04/03/2009 at 5:43am - money - by rovery (man) - United States (California)
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
I agree, your life sucks (107319) - you totally deserved it (27595)
On 04/02/2009 at 1:13am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)
Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to go, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said "have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML
I agree, your life sucks (53964) - you totally deserved it (3015)
On 03/25/2009 at 12:33pm - misc - by toast - United Kingdom (Worcestershire)
Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML
I agree, your life sucks (15751) - you totally deserved it (46822)
On 03/23/2009 at 2:46am - intimacy - by whatever (man) - United States (North Dakota)
Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML
I agree, your life sucks (83795) - you totally deserved it (6874)
On 03/19/2009 at 7:31pm - intimacy - by ufhdafuhds (woman) - Egypt (Al Qahirah)
Today, I fell down a flight of stairs onto cement and had to get stitches in my knee. The class I was running to was Buddhist Philosophy where I was supposed to give a presentation on how we all need to slow down and stop rushing through life. FML
I agree, your life sucks (15707) - you totally deserved it (42897)
On 03/17/2009 at 3:19am - misc - by Noname - United States (Washington)
Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML
I agree, your life sucks (103456) - you totally deserved it (16876)
On 03/09/2009 at 12:21am - love - by flipflopfag (man) - United States (Tennessee)
Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML
I agree, your life sucks (12873) - you totally deserved it (95316)
On 03/07/2009 at 7:03am - intimacy - by Mulee (woman) - Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest)
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML
I agree, your life sucks (14869) - you totally deserved it (73370)
On 03/04/2009 at 2:03am - intimacy - by saddude (man) - United States (District of Columbia)
Today, I accidently walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her "Need a hand with that?", to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it". FML
I agree, your life sucks (64738) - you totally deserved it (14781)
On 02/23/2009 at 8:14am - intimacy - by Anonn (man) - Australia (Victoria)
