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Yourusername's favorite FMLs
Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML
by stuckwithafamilyofcunts / 04/27/2013 at 4:23pm / Spain (Comunidad Valenciana) / Health
by Anonymous / 04/27/2013 at 2:33am / United States / Miscellaneous
by anonymous / 04/24/2013 at 12:55am / Germany / Work
Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML
by halliemarie1818 / 04/23/2013 at 10:01pm / United States / Animals
by Paris101 / 02/22/2013 at 9:51am / United States (Missouri) / Kids
by Anonymous / 02/18/2013 at 2:44am / Canada (Quebec) / Kids
Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML
by Anonymous / 02/02/2013 at 6:03pm / Belgium / Love
Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML
by andy / 01/27/2013 at 11:36pm / United States (California) / Kids
by Anonymous / 01/25/2013 at 5:41pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML
by LagSwitchFTW / 01/25/2013 at 5:19pm / United Kingdom / Health
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML
by I think its dead / 01/15/2013 at 2:33am / Canada (Manitoba) / Animals
by whateven / 01/08/2013 at 12:45pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML
by kat124ever / 01/07/2013 at 3:35am / United States (Armed Forces Europe, Middle East) / Love
by areyoukiddingme / 01/07/2013 at 1:09am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML
by HatedGrandson / 01/06/2013 at 7:50pm / United States / Miscellaneous
- Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed… Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be… Today, I sent my boyfriend a dirty picture to turn him on. He texted back: "Jfc, why wud u tease me…
- Today, I realised that I am falling in love with my fuck buddy, even though we would never work out… Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time and I said it back, only then to realize… Today, I was called a homophobe online because I didn't agree that a character from My Little Pony…