About The_Instigator : I'm that guy who always tangles your headphones when you're not paying attention.
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The_Instigator's favorite FMLs
Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML
by benji / 11/01/2011 at 3:02pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals
Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML
by bakedplum / 11/01/2011 at 1:52pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 11/01/2011 at 12:18pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous
by pain / 11/01/2011 at 10:52am / United States / Health
by Anonymous / 11/01/2011 at 5:03am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML
by DirtyCharmed / 11/01/2011 at 2:29am / United States (Washington) / Health
by Anonymous / 10/31/2011 at 8:36pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML
by VladyBoi / 10/31/2011 at 8:18pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids
by anonymous / 10/31/2011 at 3:11pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/31/2011 at 12:22pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML
by spacemanspiff78 / 10/31/2011 at 11:07am / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/31/2011 at 6:09am / United Kingdom (Peterborough) / Miscellaneous
by Mister_Triangle / 10/31/2011 at 2:45am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/28/2011 at 12:17am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was rear-ended by a girl barely out of her teens. I got out of my car and went to get her insurance details, only for her mother to get out and up in my face, screaming at me to, "Get back in your fucking car and get the fuck out of here!" I panicked and did just that. FML
by Benjamin / 10/27/2011 at 9:22pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation
- Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken… Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower,… Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly…