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Tequilamockngbrd's favorite FMLs
Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking up a few numbers, I left with great pride. I opened the door and started walking out. I then realized that I had walked into the closet. FML
by Wrongdoor / 12/06/2009 at 9:58am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML
by JC / 12/05/2009 at 11:30pm / United States (Iowa) / Animals
Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML
by soupduped / 12/05/2009 at 10:37pm / United States (Washington) / Health
by wobbles / 12/04/2009 at 12:28am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/03/2009 at 1:13pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML
by anonymous / 12/03/2009 at 1:55am / United States (Georgia) / Kids
Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML
by toastedguy / 12/01/2009 at 12:00am / United States (Louisiana) / Love
Today, I was riding my bike back to my house. Suddenly I was hit by something in the head. I looked down to see a lemon on the ground and looked up to see a guy yelling at me in a car that was passing. He was yelling at me because I got in the way of the house he was throwing it at. FML
by Lemonhead / 11/30/2009 at 12:01am / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation
Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML
by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 4:24pm / United Kingdom (London) / Health
by IlikeGreenPlants / 11/25/2009 at 9:41pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous
Today, I put on my hazard lights, pulled over to the side of the road, and stopped traffic on a busy road to rescue a black cat that had been hit by a car. With everyone watching, I got a towel and slowly approached the cat. It was a garbage bag. FML
by TinyDancer22 / 11/25/2009 at 11:57am / United States (Florida) / Transportation
Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML
by Anonymous / 11/24/2009 at 6:44am / United States (Alabama) / Health
by DBR / 11/23/2009 at 5:12pm / United States (New York) / Work
Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML
by eyesightfail / 11/21/2009 at 6:02pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals
by WhyTheEff / 11/20/2009 at 6:50pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I'm sick. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't leaving for college in three days, and… Today, I was having an intense intimate moment with my boyfriend. He thought he'd take things up a… Today, early in the morning, I went to the store for a few things. The doors wide open, I gather my…