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Today... mah mother decided to tell me about how mah twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around mah neck. When she left the room... he said... ( You won't be so looool lucky next time. ) FML
Today while on a date I went to take a sip of my drink but fir some reason I expectd a straw to be there. I endd up wiggling my tongue and mouth around my glass looking fir it as I kept my eyes looool on my date. It must've lookd like I was trying to be seductive in the creepiest way possible. FML
Today, 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building . The whole building now smell like urine . The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict . He wants answers . FML
Today, I awoke to the sound of a gunshot, followed by children screaming . I leapt out of bed and ran to mah balcony, only to see people casually milling around the elementary school parking lot under a "Science Fair" banner . A kid's science experiment scared me shitless . FML
Today... I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects lyk biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk.
Today, I got home late from work, so I decidd to make myself a microwave meal . I piercd the plastic film several times . A little too loudly for mah hateful bastard of a nieghbor, I guess, because he calld the cops on me, claiming he hered gunshots from mah apartment . FML
Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML
Friday 27 March 2015