About Screwie : I'm so handsy!
Are you home? We've been looking for you.
About Screwie : I'm so handsy!
Screwie's FML badges
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
I moderated this!
In "Moderate the FMLs", you voted Yes on a story that was subsequently published. Well done!
What'cha looking at?
You have put three pictures on your profile, not necessarily pictures of your profile.
Screwie's favorite FMLs
Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML
by dundundadumb / 08/06/2009 at 5:25pm / United States (Texas) / Love
by theregoesmyspermcount / 08/02/2009 at 6:45pm / United States (Texas) / Health
Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML
by Anonymous / 07/31/2009 at 8:56pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by Toaster / 07/30/2009 at 11:11am / United States (Virginia) / Kids
Today, I was at the mall and someone peeked their head under the door of my dressing room while I was half dressed. Not knowing who it was, I kicked him in the face just out of instinct. Its was a 4 year old kid looking for his mother. FML
by 4yrldkicker / 07/29/2009 at 4:26pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by broooooock / 07/15/2009 at 9:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesnt know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML
by mook / 07/15/2009 at 3:33pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML
by hungryman / 07/14/2009 at 5:10pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML
by Anonymous / 06/30/2009 at 10:39pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy
Today, I was at the mall with my boyfriend and 2 friends. My uncle passed by me in the mall. He said "What are you baby-sitting or something?" He pointed to the merry-go-round. My boyfriend was sitting on the giraffe yelling at the top of his lungs. FML
by merkris / 06/29/2009 at 11:41am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML
by ILuvYouSoldiers / 06/26/2009 at 3:57am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/07/2009 at 7:15pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money
Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML
by Anonymous / 06/06/2009 at 8:38pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Love
Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML
by dearme / 06/01/2009 at 9:53pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health
Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. 50 min into the tattoo on my back, the artist says "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML
by thats_not_good / 05/28/2009 at 2:15pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous