About Screwie : Pet me, I'll take you home.
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Screwie's favorite FMLs
by dentallycorrect / 08/19/2010 at 1:16am / United States (Illinois) / Love
by Mikimiks93 / 07/02/2010 at 11:05am / South Africa (Limpopo) / Transportation
Today, I was with my girlfriend, thinking we were alone in the house. Her little brother found us having sex on the couch, took a pic and said, "You are now both my slaves." He ran upstairs and locked his bedroom door. FML
by junior / 04/11/2010 at 4:11am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy
Today, I spent the night with my boyfriend as he promised me that his parents and younger brother, who I have yet to meet, were out of town until Tuesday. We were awoken by his mother screaming, telling me that she doesn't want girls in the house corrupting her baby boy. He's 20. FML
by Living_Loving / 03/06/2010 at 8:21pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love
by Anonymous / 03/02/2010 at 4:16pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML
by volleyballgirl / 02/27/2010 at 8:11pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by notasgood / 01/12/2010 at 6:54pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by Fran / 01/09/2010 at 3:40am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently copied my key before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering: “He looks like Jesus.” FML
by Anonymous / 12/20/2009 at 3:47am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
by barri / 12/16/2009 at 2:28am / Costa Rica (San Jose) / Miscellaneous
Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2009 at 8:03pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was babysitting my younger brother while my parents were away. I turned my back on my brother for one minute and then I heard a huge crash from their room. He had somehow destroyed a family heirloom and 200 year old clock. FML
by Rhianna / 11/21/2009 at 11:05pm / Australia (South Australia) / Kids
Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said "...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said, "I'm 28." FML
by Paramedic / 11/17/2009 at 6:16am / United Kingdom (Rochdale) / Work
by xXx / 10/16/2009 at 4:20am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML
by bubbles / 10/12/2009 at 1:36am / United States / Animals
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…
- Today, I called my mom for her birthday. She started talking about an infomercial she'd seen for a… Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working… Today, I was planning on having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, so I asked my roomate to…