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Screwie's favorite FMLs
by dumbassbuffet / 11/11/2011 at 10:53am / Canada (Manitoba) / Intimacy
Today, I'd just finished feeding my parrot and sweeping all the seeds under the cage. As I was walking away, my parrot whistled. I turned around to see him get up onto the food dish, pick up a clawful of food and toss it on the floor. FML
by kemando / 10/06/2011 at 6:20am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML
by TraumatizedMother / 10/02/2011 at 3:27am / United States (New York) / Kids
Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML
by IbetIgotAIDS / 09/12/2011 at 12:15pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy
by kaitylait / 08/18/2011 at 8:59pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Health
by Mumbling Mutt101 / 08/15/2011 at 2:23am / Australia (Western Australia) / Animals
by assante2010 / 07/23/2011 at 8:09pm / United States (Maine) / Love
Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML
Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML
by Anonymous / 07/19/2011 at 9:51pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by Beanzbeanz / 07/09/2011 at 11:19am / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML
by woahheylex / 06/25/2011 at 10:21am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML
by Anonymous / 06/09/2011 at 4:32pm / United States (New Mexico) / Animals
by OopsKid / 05/30/2011 at 2:14pm / France / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana… 2Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually… 3Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and…
- Today I came out to my family as a lesbian. A few days ago, my brother came out as bisexual and my… Today, it has been a week since I moved into my new house. Turns out that the previous owner of the… Today, I'm sick. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't leaving for college in three days, and…