About Peroxide : Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If I don't save the wee turtles who will!!
*moments later*
AHH save me from the wee turtles, they were too big for me!
This is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'.
Here is a list of my favourite fml people-get fucked
It has come to my attention that a number of, shall we say, stalkers-you filthy people know who you are, have been repeatedly viewing my profile. I will not, and will not ever, be posting naked pictures of myself (pm me for naked pics).
Checking you out
You checked out the profile page belonging to one of the last people to have a look at your profile.
Beginner
You have looked through 5 pages of the website. That’s a start.
It’s in the can
Hey, you uploaded your photo, and you’re cute as a kitten!
Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML
I agree, your life sucks (73878) - you deserved it (9458)
On 07/12/2009 at 12:20pm - intimacy - by wtf (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I got further with a guy than I've ever before. By that, I mean I got his phone number. FML
I agree, your life sucks (44798) - you deserved it (6609)
On 07/08/2009 at 3:28am - misc - by stupiddddddd (woman) - United Kingdom (Rotherham)
Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML
I agree, your life sucks (60278) - you deserved it (5297)
On 06/29/2009 at 12:38pm - kids - by dad (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML
I agree, your life sucks (56213) - you deserved it (20772)
On 06/27/2009 at 12:05am - kids - by poormom (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML
I agree, your life sucks (60736) - you deserved it (2758)
On 06/12/2009 at 1:33am - work - by Shoes (woman) - United States (Washington)
Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML
I agree, your life sucks (55804) - you deserved it (14107)
On 06/02/2009 at 4:51pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML
I agree, your life sucks (18264) - you deserved it (58261)
On 05/31/2009 at 8:03am - misc - by deucelututi - United States (New York)
Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML
I agree, your life sucks (82759) - you deserved it (3656)
On 05/12/2009 at 1:39pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)
Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16201) - you deserved it (84777)
On 05/09/2009 at 10:48am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML
I agree, your life sucks (52297) - you deserved it (11108)
On 05/07/2009 at 11:02pm - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my mom and I were watching this movie in which some girls start making out. My mother calls them "sinners" and that they will "burn in hell twice". Then she says "God doesn't like gays". I'm a lesbian. I picked out this movie as a way of coming out. FML
I agree, your life sucks (81634) - you deserved it (11267)
On 05/07/2009 at 9:39pm - love - by HidenSeek (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML
I agree, your life sucks (26190) - you deserved it (62974)
On 05/05/2009 at 3:43am - love - by sunboy52 (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML
I agree, your life sucks (19073) - you deserved it (74764)
On 05/03/2009 at 1:17pm - intimacy - by danggit3290 (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I didn't have any money to buy a tampon from the dispenser at my school but my hands are small enough so I can just slide them up and grab one. My hand got stuck in the dispenser and my school had to call the fire department. Now everyone calls me tampon girl. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24627) - you deserved it (49733)
On 04/30/2009 at 3:56pm - misc - by obeezy (woman) - United States (Washington)
Today, 3 of the 4 stalls were occupied in the rest room. I took the 4th stall. Upon sitting, I let out one of the longest, loudest farts I have done in a long time. Next, I hear "Hey, how's it going?". I was CORRECTLY identified by a co-worker hearing me fart. FML
I agree, your life sucks (45726) - you deserved it (9247)
On 04/30/2009 at 10:55am - work - by RckRagman (man) - United States (Massachusetts)
Monday 20 May 2013
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