When a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something isn't funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.
Trying is the first step towards failure.
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.
Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office in the city. When I came back out I realized there was a bum in the driver's seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out he stumbled off. I then got a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML
I agree, your life sucks (13374) - you totally deserved it (2734)
On 11/15/2009 at 1:08am - love - by John (man) - Australia (Queensland)
Today, someone at work was bragging that their son was high school valedictorian and offered a full college scholarship. 7 years ago, I was also valedictorian and got that same scholarship. All I said was, "Congratulations. Did you want fries with that?" and continued taking their order. FML
I agree, your life sucks (22819) - you totally deserved it (3822)
On 11/07/2009 at 11:04am - work - by John (man) - United States (District of Columbia)
Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML
I agree, your life sucks (22474) - you totally deserved it (1990)
On 11/05/2009 at 1:36am - misc - by CreepyPaperDoll (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23030) - you totally deserved it (4044)
On 11/03/2009 at 2:06am - money - by LC (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML
I agree, your life sucks (7983) - you totally deserved it (20310)
On 10/17/2009 at 7:05pm - misc - by Lovenotes (woman) - United States
Today, I got a client who ordered ice cream. She seemed really nice and I thought maybe she was into me. When I asked if she wanted peanuts for an additional 0.50 cents, she said no. Trying to be nice, I added them anyway free of charge. I later had to call the ambulance. She was allergic. FML
I agree, your life sucks (4656) - you totally deserved it (56311)
On 09/21/2009 at 2:06am - love - by FreeOfCharge (man) - Canada (Quebec)
Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML
I agree, your life sucks (31374) - you totally deserved it (2890)
On 08/24/2009 at 12:48am - misc - by secretdeo (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, my parents decided to visit me. When I first got my apartment I gave them a key "just in case" and today they used this key to enter when I didn't answer their knocking. I didn't answer because I was having sex with my boyfriend. My parents saw everything. They didn't know I was gay. FML
I agree, your life sucks (46279) - you totally deserved it (16364)
On 08/10/2009 at 7:41pm - intimacy - by gorgeousrenthead (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was at my girlfriends house with just me and her. Things began to get heated and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML
I agree, your life sucks (24177) - you totally deserved it (44468)
On 08/05/2009 at 1:28am - intimacy - by unbelievable208 (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16000) - you totally deserved it (37703)
On 07/18/2009 at 9:26pm - misc - by harrysolo (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was surprising my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was nude and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML
I agree, your life sucks (51139) - you totally deserved it (4861)
On 07/18/2009 at 11:51am - intimacy - by Meh (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML
I agree, your life sucks (62347) - you totally deserved it (7676)
On 07/12/2009 at 12:20pm - intimacy - by wtf (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I got further with a guy than I've ever before. By that, I mean I got his phone number. FML
I agree, your life sucks (38281) - you totally deserved it (5502)
On 07/08/2009 at 3:28am - misc - by stupiddddddd (woman) - United Kingdom (Rotherham)
Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML
I agree, your life sucks (44899) - you totally deserved it (3652)
On 06/29/2009 at 12:38pm - kids - by dad (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33919) - you totally deserved it (11530)
On 06/27/2009 at 12:05am - kids - by poormom (woman) - United States (Illinois)
