I love to play games and I moderate FML at work. I love my life and love living in Key West. Twitter, Facebook and all that crap is retarded. Go outside your house and socialize!
Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33611) - you totally deserved it (2724)
On 08/28/2009 at 2:42am - misc - by helenablitz (woman) - United States (California)
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
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On 07/16/2009 at 6:16am - kids - by notawizard (woman) - Spain (Catalonia)
Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML
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On 07/12/2009 at 12:20pm - intimacy - by wtf (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML
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On 07/12/2009 at 1:38am - intimacy - by robinhoood (man) - United States (California)
Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML
I agree, your life sucks (18259) - you totally deserved it (27845)
On 06/30/2009 at 12:49am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML
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On 06/26/2009 at 12:51pm - misc - by LondonKitsch (woman) - United States
Today, the cops showed up to check out a child abuse complaint, I then had to spend an hour explaining that I had given my son a suppository. The neighbors heard him sobbing hysterically "Daddy, why did you put that in my butt? It hurts." My neighbor had heard and thought I was raping my son. FML
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On 06/24/2009 at 5:11pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML
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On 04/18/2009 at 1:09am - health - by dumptaker (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my boyfriend brought me breakfast in bed, told me all the things he loved about me, got down on one knee and pulled out the little blue box I had been hoping for, for so long. He opened the box and there was a note inside that said, "April Fools!" FML
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On 04/01/2009 at 9:44am - love - by twstedillusion (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML
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On 03/29/2009 at 11:37pm - misc - by KSFarmBoy (man) - United States (Tennessee)
Today, my wife went to the hospital because she had been gaining weight recently and had missed her period the last three months. We thought it was menopause. Turns out she's pregnant. I've been sterile since the day I was born. FML
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On 03/25/2009 at 6:38pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New Hampshire)
Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i'm single. I've been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML
I agree, your life sucks (205357) - you totally deserved it (9159)
Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML
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On 03/15/2009 at 2:29pm - love - by thankskimi (man) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I unexpectedly got my period at lacrosse practice. Our playing field is a 1/2 mile run away any bathrooms so I headed towards the woods with a tampon. Just as I was about to insert the tampon, the entire boys cross country team ran by... laughing. FML
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On 03/15/2009 at 1:00pm - misc - by exposed (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML
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On 02/28/2009 at 7:44pm - intimacy - by Noname (woman) - United States (Virginia)
