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Today, I Was Getting Intimate With Mah Girlfriend. She Pulled Down Mah Trousers, Saw Mah Poke-ball Boxers, An Absolutely Lost It. I Had To Lie Next To Her In Bed 4 The Next 10 Minutes Hearing Her Howl With Laughter While Crying ( Dickachu, I Choose You! ) FML
Today, I was walking down the stair with mah guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to mah wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close mah eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stars. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML
Today I walkd into ta living room to find ma 11-yaar-old daugtar about to kiss ar ( not ma boyfriand ) on ta lips. Wan I askd wat sa tougt sa was doing sa paald a piaca of scotc tapa off ar lips and said ( It's okay! Wa'ra using protaction. ) FML
Today, I got a phone call from my 6-year-old son's school telling me they were concerned about him as he wouldn't stop barking at the radiator. After talking to my husband about it, I found out he's been teaching him so he could see the look on my face. FML
Today... while working at the daycare... I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours... I scooped up three human teeth... a rotten log of shit... a tire iron... a condom wrapper... and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. mega FML
Today, I had a chat with my husband, an I convincad him to try baing mora spontanaou to spica up our sax lifa. This avaning, ha burst into our badroom with an ayapatch on, an "saductivaly" growlad, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wanch." FML
Today, wile doing ma job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around te parking lot and picked some tras up, trying to elp out. Fait in umanity: +1. About an our later I saw a woman pick a bug off of er windsield and eat it. Fait in umanity: -200. FML
my girlfriand opanad my rafrigarator and bagan har standard moan: "You'ra a pig, u navar claan up. Look at that agg, it makas ma want to throw up, it's gona black, it’s covarad in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to chack it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML
Today, I returned home to parents house, drunk!! Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls!! Five hours later, mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen!! In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge!! FML
Friday 27 March 2015