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MaltWarrior's FML badges
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MaltWarrior's favorite FMLs
Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML
by DontBeRude / 09/28/2015 at 12:05am / United States (California) / Love
Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML
by Anonymous / 09/25/2015 at 4:14pm / Germany / Miscellaneous
Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML
by Thai that on for size / 09/25/2015 at 3:56pm / New Zealand (Hawke's Bay) / Love
Today, my dad was telling me some childhood stories. He mentioned I once started sucking on a cow's udder when I was 2, and I asked why didn't he stop me. His response: "You were an accident and I wasn't good at the parenting thing". FML
by gotmilk? / 09/22/2015 at 9:41am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML
by BarhydtBran / 08/17/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (California) / Work
by anonymous / 07/19/2015 at 9:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML
by Anonymous / 07/19/2015 at 1:05am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML
by Anonymous / 07/10/2015 at 9:23pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids
by Smeagogole / 07/02/2015 at 12:30am / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend came to my work, at a drive thru, in my car, and then got mad at me because I wouldn't give him free food. In his anger, he put my car in reverse and backed out of line very quickly, only to smash into a paying customer. FML
by ugh / 06/20/2015 at 6:45am / United States (Florida) / Love
Today, I went to the restaurant I recently got a job at, to take the introductory three hour training course. Afterwards, I was told I wasn't hired after all. Why? The girl I was replacing suddenly decided she didn't want to move away and quit after all. FML
by nightfall8705 / 06/19/2015 at 2:26pm / United States / Work
by Anonymous / 05/11/2015 at 2:59am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML
by Anonymous / 05/08/2015 at 5:19pm / United Kingdom / Kids
Today, while out shopping with friends, I was apphrehended by two bounty hunters because they recognized my purple-dyed hair. Too bad my name isn't Natalie, who apparently shares the same hair color. They didn't believe me, even after I showed my ID. FML
by StargazeKitsune / 05/06/2015 at 8:48pm / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous
by henrylikestreats / 04/30/2015 at 2:04pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous