This member hasn't filled in their description.
MaltWarrior's FML badges
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
You wanted you know what the top of the flops of all time was, and now you know.
You see, sonny boy, moderating FMLs is a bit like running a marathon.
MaltWarrior's favorite FMLs
by Randomspaghetti / 09/15/2016 at 5:11pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had to deal with yet another day of people looking at my name tag and saying "You know nothing, John Snow." with a shit-eating grin, like they're the wittiest people alive. Then I had to deal with my boss telling me to lighten up, because it's "just a joke". FML
by Anonymous / 07/22/2016 at 1:19pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work
by LucyLollipop / 05/16/2016 at 3:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML
by Sir Davos of Shit Creek / 05/13/2016 at 4:00pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML
by MasterMcrib / 04/17/2016 at 4:33pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
by humanshield / 04/10/2016 at 12:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work
Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML
by sweetie808 / 01/28/2016 at 3:39am / United States (Hawaii) / Animals
Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML
by Bex98 / 01/11/2016 at 3:17am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, after trying unsuccessfully for three or so years to have a baby with my wife, my broodiness has gotten so bad that when I saw a couple with their daughter at the bus stop, I briefly had a daydream where I shot them in the head and took their daughter home to raise as my own. FML
by DesperateToBeDad / 12/31/2015 at 6:57am / United Kingdom (Bedfordshire) / Kids
Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML
by bob the builders pissed off daughter / 12/29/2015 at 6:52pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by zzarzzur / 12/29/2015 at 4:49am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by whatthefuck / 12/27/2015 at 6:22pm / United States (Utah) / Intimacy
Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML
by Anonymous / 12/26/2015 at 11:54am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
by ImTheAlpha / 12/23/2015 at 6:56pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by NotSoComfortable / 12/17/2015 at 4:10am / Italy (Veneto) / Intimacy
- 1Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his… 2Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say… 3Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my bosses words, "Abided by company policy to such an…
- Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to… Today, I was almost out of conditioner, despite having just bought some. Apparently, my boyfriend… Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had…
- Today, I’m on vacation in Peru in the Amazonian forest. I woke up in the middle of the night to the… Today, at 11:30 p.m., after a 5-hour train journey to get back to Paris carrying a suitcase that’s… Today, I was travelling in a car. As I was discreetly picking my nose, we drove over a speed bump.…