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Keen reader – Level: master ninja
You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
Keen reader – Level: student ninja
You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
That was your 500th “you totally deserved it” vote. We admire your dedication.
Today , I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see wat it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room , build momentum , an launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. real FML
TODAYHILE AT A PRIVATE LAKE, MAH COLON DECLARED A STATE OF EVACUATION. I VENTURED AS FAR FROM MAH FAMILY AS MAH SPHINCTER WOULD ALLOW, ONLY TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH TWO VERY HORRIFIED KAYAKERS MID-EXPLOSION. FML
Yesterday, daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she think she'll be by then. She said, "Thrty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML
Today... I came home from a long shift at work to fine that my roommate had completely rearrangd all of the furniture. Apparently the new arrangement is supposd to improve the feng shui of our apartment. My bd is in the living room. FML
Today, my puppy came into my room, an I cupped his head in my hands an bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML
TODAY, AT A CHRISTMA PARTY, MY CRUSH CAME UP TO ME AND CUTELY POINTED OUT THAT I WAS STANDING UNDER MISTLETOE. THE ONLY RESPONSE MY STUPID BRAIN COULD THINK OF WAS, "PROBABLY FULL OF NARGLE THOUGH." HE GAVE ME A CONFUSED LOOK AND WALKED AWAY. MEGA FML
Today , my dog startd limping as we were walking home. I thought she'd hurt herself , so I pickd her up an carrid her home. Once we arrivd , I puttd her down , at which point she ran around an playd as if nothing had happend. I fell fir my lazy dog's plan to get me to carry her home. mega FML
Today my fiancé and I had a fight cuz he wouldn't let me get what I wantd to eat even though it was my money. He said "It's way too many calories. I'm supposd to help you lose weight." When I pointd out that I had given up a month ago he lookd at me and said "Yeah I can tell." FML
I noticed an extremely large bug buzzing around mah room. After several attempts, I stomped on it with mah shoe. I was trying to get a closer look at mah victory when it flew into mah nostril. Turns out it was just playing dead. FML
Today... I was helping an old lady at my job. While I was in mid-sentence... she coughed wet phlegm looool directly into my mouth. It tasted vile and caused me to have a panic attack while working. FML
Friday 27 March 2015