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Jmweed's favorite FMLs
Today, at my job as a movie theater attendant, my boss finally eased up and let me sit in on one of the movies. One woman kept laughing out loud every other line. After ten minutes of her braying like a dying horse, I got up and had her ejected from the theater. I'm a terrible person. FML
by power corrupts... / 08/07/2011 at 4:29pm / Czech Republic (Plzensky kraj) / Work
by dukebluedevils13 / 08/04/2011 at 9:47pm / United States (Colorado) / Animals
by soccerbuddyz / 08/03/2011 at 12:04am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML
by scully11 / 08/02/2011 at 2:36pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous
by chinchilla4404 / 08/02/2011 at 10:17am / United States / Health
Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML
by Anonymous / 08/01/2011 at 5:47pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML
by howniceofyou / 08/01/2011 at 2:12pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML
by Anonymous / 07/11/2011 at 3:42am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML
by Anonymous / 07/08/2011 at 3:43pm / United States (South Carolina) / Work
Today, my mother resolved to never visit McDonald's again. Not because of ethics or health concerns, but because they charged her for extra barbecue sauce. She bitched out the man in the drive-through for a good five minutes, while I sat awkwardly in the passenger's seat. FML
by AgentFreshers / 07/07/2011 at 7:07pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML
by kringr / 06/05/2011 at 8:52pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 05/22/2011 at 4:31pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML
by Username / 05/13/2011 at 4:13am / Transportation
by Anonymous / 05/11/2011 at 10:33am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 05/11/2011 at 1:48am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…
- Today, after coming home from working two jobs, I find that my unemployed sister-in-law has trashed… Today, My dad had not had the chance to be with us on Fathers day so we simply had a breakfast for… Today, I came home from college which is a 6 hour flight to surprise my parents. They had gotten a…