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Iola94's favorite FMLs
by J Rush / 03/21/2012 at 7:46am / United Kingdom (Powys) / Health
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
by PUA / 03/14/2012 at 9:06pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
Today, I was watching a kid at school walk like a gangster. My teacher was standing there, so I stood behind the kid and walked like him, laughing to myself, at which point my teacher took me to one side and told me the kid was handicapped. FML
by BBFreak97 / 03/14/2012 at 4:13pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was masturbating, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was my neighbor staring at me through the window with a total look of disgust. I moved in this weekend and hadn't yet introduced myself to her. FML
by Anonymous / 03/14/2012 at 3:31pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML
by Hannah / 03/04/2012 at 3:46pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
by Miss_Kristen / 02/26/2012 at 10:31am / United States (Missouri) / Work
by desperate905 / 02/21/2012 at 3:10am / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Intimacy
Today, my family started their own version of the Hunger Games. With farts as their ammo, they've been tackling and gassing everyone until their victim "dies" by surrendering. My house is a flatulent war zone, and I fear waking up blind. FML
by district12 / 02/18/2012 at 5:22pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Health
Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML
by amythest / 02/12/2012 at 7:18pm / United Kingdom (Belfast) / Kids
by lulu / 02/11/2012 at 5:19am / United States (Ohio) / Animals
Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML
by rapper in training / 02/10/2012 at 8:02pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML
by Anonymous / 02/09/2012 at 4:42pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 01/27/2012 at 5:03pm / United States (Michigan) / Health
by Anonymous / 01/24/2012 at 5:39am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy
by Cathy / 01/16/2012 at 7:33pm / United States / Animals
- Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I… Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time, the one day my period came early.… Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on…
- Today, I’m in Thailand and I met a monk. The conversation was so deep and interesting that, without… Today, after recently moving to Australia, I saw my first kangaroo. In the refrigerated section of… Today, I’m teaching French in a university in India. One of the students asked me if Paris was the…