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Today, I was playing paintball when I noticed a 9 year old fat kid sitting and crying on the ground. Thinking he'd fallen and was hurt, I walked over to him. He looks up and shoots me in the face, arm, stomach, and happy sacks area from 4 feet away then runs off. He was not hurt at all, and now everything tastes like paint. FML
Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds then said " who the hell are you?" FML
Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML
Today, while teaching swimming to a bunch of five year olds, one particularly bratty girl decided she didn't want to swim and lead the entire class to strike, leaving the pool empty and me without a job. Apparently I was teaching the next world tyrant to swim. FML
Today, I was packing my son's lunch and we ran out of water bottles. I asked my 16 years old to run to the store. She didnt want to but gave me one she had. After dropping my son off, my daughter frantically told me she made a mistake. I sent my second grader to school with a bottle of vodka. FML
Monday 1 September 2014