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Dezteny's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 09/02/2012 at 7:47pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML
by ewww / 08/26/2012 at 5:21am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML
Today, while I was taking my driver's test, my instructor received a text message. He promptly had a panic attack and screamed for me to pull over. It turned out his wife wanted a divorce. The last 15 minutes of my test consisted of him sobbing to himself as I drove back to the DMV. FML
by Samantha / 08/16/2012 at 6:36pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 08/02/2012 at 3:16pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
by lotd / 07/31/2012 at 7:28pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Miscellaneous
by mcase / 07/31/2012 at 1:36am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML
by guy / 07/29/2012 at 11:24pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by cherknobil / 07/29/2012 at 1:15am / United States (California) / Health
Today, I went on an overnight airplane flight. I wanted to be comfy so I took off my shorts, threw a blanket over myself, and slept. When the lights came back on, I ran to the bathroom before they served food. After using the bathroom, I noticed I hadn't put my shorts back on. FML
by anonymous / 07/28/2012 at 9:26am / Lebanon / Transportation
by ryanharp2 / 07/27/2012 at 1:05am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous
Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML
by Anonymous / 07/27/2012 at 12:46am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new boyfriend eating soup, naked on the toilet. In shock, I stepped back and fell down a flight of stairs, backwards, and hit my head on wall, leaving a dent in it. FML
by Lilragu97 / 07/26/2012 at 1:14am / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous
by Epiphany / 07/19/2012 at 5:01am / United States / Health
by CantBlink / 07/16/2012 at 2:25pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my mom had to go to one of her relatives’ funeral. She came to borrow a black scarf from me,… Today, I’m in Thailand and I met a monk. The conversation was so deep and interesting that, without… Today, it was my last day working at my company. The whole staff was summoned to a meeting, but I…