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Collisionn's favorite FMLs
Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML
by Anonymous / 05/28/2013 at 12:37pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love
Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML
by lez probs / 05/18/2013 at 8:54am / United States / Intimacy
Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML
by Anonymous / 03/23/2013 at 7:47pm / United States / Kids
by Anonymous / 02/21/2013 at 8:43am / United States (Idaho) / Miscellaneous
Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML
by Fireguy92 / 01/31/2013 at 11:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Work
Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML
by Anonymous / 12/28/2012 at 8:23pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health
Today, it's been 13 months since I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML
by LearnGeographyUSA / 12/12/2012 at 1:45am / United States (Washington) / Kids
by you're just creepy. / 12/11/2012 at 3:39am / Canada (Yukon Territory) / Love
Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML
by Anonymous / 11/06/2012 at 1:34pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML
by coolguy / 11/06/2012 at 12:15am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 10/15/2012 at 9:19pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
by Nickki / 10/14/2012 at 10:57am / United States / Kids
by stop it ninja / 10/14/2012 at 3:00am / United States (Virginia) / Animals
by lalalalainie / 10/13/2012 at 2:45am / United States (California) / Health
Today, I wanted to surprise my long distance girlfriend by flying to her unannounced. When I arrived at her house, her family tells me that she herself boarded an unannounced flight to where I lived hours ago. Surprise. FML
by Jex / 10/06/2012 at 6:04am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love
- Today, I was at the lake watching a romantic sunset with my boyfriend. He tenderly started touching… Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with… Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking…
- Today, I’m a bus driver in Paris. A guy got on with a sheep. I told him that you can’t take the bus… Today, I was driving in a straight line on a completely deserted road in the open bush. I sneezed… Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me that he listened to me yesterday: I said that I loved unusual…