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Carrikins's favorite FMLs
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet, waiting to throw up. When I finally did, I violently shit my pants at the same time. I was at my friend's house. FML
by sadddddd / 09/10/2011 at 9:54pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Health
Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML
by Anonymous / 09/10/2011 at 4:21pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML
by Hailey Antone / 09/10/2011 at 3:01pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by RetroDayDreamer / 09/10/2011 at 11:46am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by FullOfNick / 09/10/2011 at 3:11am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML
by Anonymous / 09/10/2011 at 2:35am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I was eating some popcorn with a guy, and I noticed a piece of hair coming out my mouth. I pulled it... and pulled it... and eventually some popcorn pieces came out attached to the end of the hair. I was so embarrassed, he tried to make me feel better by saying it looked like a magic trick. FML
by Anonymous / 09/10/2011 at 1:57am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML
by why?! / 09/09/2011 at 9:57pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids
Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML
by omfgnooo / 09/09/2011 at 7:22pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML
by Kevin / 09/09/2011 at 8:10am / United Kingdom / Love
Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML
by psychicmother / 09/09/2011 at 6:58am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Intimacy
Today, the only thing my downstairs neighbor wanted to talk about with me is how she can hear us go to the bathroom. She also claims that she can tell which one of us is going, based on the noise level. FML
by monochrometea / 09/08/2011 at 10:07pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by I_dislike_Twilight / 09/08/2011 at 8:52am / United States (Michigan) / Love
Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML
by grossedout / 09/08/2011 at 2:34am / Reserved / Intimacy
- 1Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation… 2Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had… 3Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went…