About Bartimaeus : I like to point out the faults in some retarded FMLs. I love the site. It is always worth going to. Most of my comments are so true that they are... offensive, at least. I try.
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Bartimaeus's favorite FMLs
Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML
by coffeeshopgirl / 05/07/2012 at 8:25pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend bought me a gorgeous ring that I fell in love with. As he slid the ring on my finger for the first time, he started moving it up and down my finger and making loud sex sounds, completely ruining the romantic moment. FML
by Anonymous / 09/27/2011 at 1:30pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by sadsadperson / 09/07/2011 at 4:51am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy
Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML
by Katrina / 02/13/2011 at 5:32pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy
Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML
by Anonymous / 02/10/2011 at 1:38pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 01/02/2011 at 8:22pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 11/26/2010 at 12:31pm / United States (Ohio) / Geek
by single / 11/09/2010 at 9:10pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 11/01/2010 at 2:04pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
by jessii / 10/09/2010 at 4:22am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML
by Anonymous / 10/07/2010 at 3:28pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health
Today, in an attempt to spice up our relationship, I tied my boyfriend up and did a strip tease for him. I pulled my skirt down over my heels and tripped as I tried to step out of it. Not only did I pull a muscle in my leg but I elbowed him in the groin. So much for spice. FML
by Anonymous / 10/01/2010 at 1:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML
by Anonymous / 09/28/2010 at 10:03am / Canada (Ontario) / Work
by teardrops / 09/21/2010 at 4:50am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids
- Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand… Today, I woke up and called my boyfriend. We had amazing phone sex, even better because no one was… Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. After we called our parents to…
- Today, I’m in Mexico for an internship. I was at a party when a drunk guy harangued me, calling me… Today, I’m a bus driver in Paris. A guy got on with a sheep. I told him that you can’t take the bus… Today, I travelled in a shared taxi on the winding roads of the Peruvian Andes. The guy next to me…