Bartimaeus

Search for a member

Bartimaeus

1Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Tuesday 27 July 1993 (23 years old)
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 1545
  • Number of comments : 181
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 33 posted

About Bartimaeus : I like to point out the faults in some retarded FMLs. I love the site. It is always worth going to. Most of my comments are so true that they are... offensive, at least. I try.

Bartimaeus's page activity

Visits<b>Aang558811</b> - the 07/21/2016 at 11:35pm<b>Xx_Slayer_xX</b> - the 05/07/2016 at 7:12pm<b>dogwonder555</b> - the 04/25/2016 at 10:16pm<b>WeirdUsername</b> - the 02/19/2016 at 6:42pm<b>fmlcharlii</b> - the 12/29/2015 at 6:32pm<b>choochee02</b> - the 07/11/2015 at 10:01am<b>jet223</b> - the 06/23/2015 at 7:57am<b>ChoolyBooly</b> - the 06/19/2015 at 10:29pm<b>Malteser95</b> - the 06/06/2015 at 6:03pm<b>Mortoli</b> - the 07/03/2014 at 7:38am<b>Federgirl</b> - the 04/28/2014 at 1:35pm<b>Fidge86</b> - the 04/21/2014 at 5:42pm<b>Zaketh2112</b> - the 01/16/2014 at 4:01pm<b>YoshiEgg</b> - the 09/29/2013 at 2:56pm<b>MinnieC</b> - the 07/19/2013 at 11:20am<b>Sencilia</b> - the 12/28/2012 at 8:45am<b>Lorysa</b> - the 02/15/2011 at 6:57pm<b>blessthefall313</b> - the 02/11/2011 at 6:11pm

Fucked!<b>ChoolyBooly</b> - the 06/20/2015 at 4:29am

Bartimaeus's FML badges

Keen reader – Level: student ninja

You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

Mobility

You are connected to FML via the mobile site or an app. How modern.

Up and coming moderator

It’s nice of you to help us sort out the submissions, using FML’s moderate feature.

See all of Bartimaeus's badges

Bartimaeus's favorite FMLs

Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML

by coffeeshopgirl / 05/07/2012 at 8:25pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend bought me a gorgeous ring that I fell in love with. As he slid the ring on my finger for the first time, he started moving it up and down my finger and making loud sex sounds, completely ruining the romantic moment. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2011 at 1:30pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML

by sadsadperson / 09/07/2011 at 4:51am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

by Katrina / 02/13/2011 at 5:32pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2011 at 1:38pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

by sleepy / 01/02/2011 at 9:58pm / Norway / Work

Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2011 at 8:22pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Intimacy

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2010 at 12:31pm / United States (Ohio) / Geek

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

by single / 11/09/2010 at 9:10pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2010 at 2:04pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

by jessii / 10/09/2010 at 4:22am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2010 at 3:28pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, in an attempt to spice up our relationship, I tied my boyfriend up and did a strip tease for him. I pulled my skirt down over my heels and tripped as I tried to step out of it. Not only did I pull a muscle in my leg but I elbowed him in the groin. So much for spice. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2010 at 1:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML

by Anonymous / 09/28/2010 at 10:03am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I got punched in the face by a girl for asking if she was okay after I had seen her crying. FML

by teardrops / 09/21/2010 at 4:50am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids