Submit your FML story

  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
  • - CAUTION: Read your message over. Please don't use text language and avoid making too many spelling mistakes.
  • - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Your nick:
Categories :
Man or woman?

Bartimaeus

Search for a member

Bartimaeus

0Liked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Tuesday 27 July 1993 (21 years)
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 1117
  • Number of comments : 181
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 33 posted

About Bartimaeus : I like to point out the faults in some retarded FMLs. I love the site. It is always worth going to. Most of my comments are so true that they are... offensive, at least. I try.

Bartimaeus's page activity

Visits<b>Mortoli</b> - the 07/03/2014 at 7:38am<b>Federgirl</b> - the 04/28/2014 at 1:35pm<b>Fidge86</b> - the 04/21/2014 at 5:42pm<b>Zaketh2112</b> - the 01/16/2014 at 4:01pm<b>YoshiEgg</b> - the 09/29/2013 at 2:56pm<b>MinnieC</b> - the 07/19/2013 at 11:20am<b>Sencilia</b> - the 12/28/2012 at 8:45am<b>Lorysa</b> - the 02/15/2011 at 6:57pm<b>blessthefall313</b> - the 02/11/2011 at 6:11pm<b>meeeaner_th</b> - the 02/08/2011 at 4:58pm<b>lmc94</b> - the 01/15/2011 at 12:12am<b>raaachelll</b> - the 01/04/2011 at 4:13pm<b>perdix</b> - the 12/25/2010 at 10:28pm<b>divali</b> - the 10/29/2010 at 3:51pm<b>Gumbinator</b> - the 10/20/2010 at 10:21pm<b>nadia716</b> - the 10/15/2010 at 10:54pm<b>RedPillSucks</b> - the 10/15/2010 at 6:40pm<b>ThatOneGuy921</b> - the 10/09/2010 at 2:24pm

Bartimaeus's FML badges

Keen reader – Level: student ninja

You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

Mobility

You are connected to FML via the mobile site or an app. How modern.

Up and coming moderator

It’s nice of you to help us sort out the submissions, using FML’s moderate feature.

See all of Bartimaeus's badges

Bartimaeus's favorite FMLs

Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML

#19588990
209 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35533) - you deserved it (3862)

On 05/07/2012 at 8:25pm - intimacy - by coffeeshopgirl (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend bought me a gorgeous ring that I fell in love with. As he slid the ring on my finger for the first time, he started moving it up and down my finger and making loud sex sounds, completely ruining the romantic moment. FML

Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML

#17686832
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39867) - you deserved it (27375)

On 09/07/2011 at 4:51am - intimacy - by sadsadperson (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

#14961230
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41781) - you deserved it (8698)

On 02/13/2011 at 5:32pm - intimacy - by Katrina (woman) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML

#14922394
305 comments

I agree, your life sucks (122572) - you deserved it (5361)

On 02/10/2011 at 1:38pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Ireland (Dublin)

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

#14444191
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21413) - you deserved it (3271)

On 01/02/2011 at 9:58pm - work - by sleepy (woman) - Norway

Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML

#14442840
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34930) - you deserved it (5826)

On 01/02/2011 at 8:22pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire)

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

#13986924
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8284) - you deserved it (35682)

On 11/26/2010 at 12:31pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Ohio)

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

#13782516
213 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38194) - you deserved it (6912)

On 11/09/2010 at 9:10pm - intimacy - by single (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

#13675259
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22311) - you deserved it (9989)

On 11/01/2010 at 2:04pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

#13375159
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29997) - you deserved it (2694)

On 10/09/2010 at 4:22am - misc - by jessii - United States (New York)

Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML

#13355611
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23051) - you deserved it (5270)

On 10/07/2010 at 3:28pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, in an attempt to spice up our relationship, I tied my boyfriend up and did a strip tease for him. I pulled my skirt down over my heels and tripped as I tried to step out of it. Not only did I pull a muscle in my leg but I elbowed him in the groin. So much for spice. FML

#13272334
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24222) - you deserved it (8264)

On 10/01/2010 at 1:43am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML

#13234254
43 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20884) - you deserved it (2034)

On 09/28/2010 at 10:03am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I got punched in the face by a girl for asking if she was okay after I had seen her crying. FML

#13139636
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29626) - you deserved it (4702)

On 09/21/2010 at 4:50am - misc - by teardrops - Australia (New South Wales)



FML's blog

  • Jim Trim's Illustrated FML
  • Action stations! I'm back from my holiday, I've got some sort of weirdly uneven tan and I already want to go back to the beach to bum about and finish off my colouring book. But I can't. I'm still…

Friday 29 August 2014

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

Available on: