About AnagenisisZagus : Oh, dear god. No, thank you.
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AnagenisisZagus's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 04/10/2009 at 5:40pm / United States (Virginia) / Health
Today, I went to a professional baseball game. In the 5th inning, our row was chosen for a random giveaway where everyone sitting in the row recieved free roundtrip airline tickets to New York City. While this was going on, I was up, getting a pretzel. FML
by ZachooMackoo / 04/09/2009 at 10:15pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML
by BadBreath / 04/08/2009 at 11:43pm / United States (Minnesota) / Animals
Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML
by nic / 04/01/2009 at 4:06pm / United States (Virginia) / Health
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
by JAY22 / 03/26/2009 at 7:41am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, I was at a sandwich shop and couldn't help but secretly remove a loose hair from a girl standing in front of me. I yanked it and she instantly began screaming and crying. It was in fact a very long mole hair. The thing started bleeding like a gunshot wound. My apologies went unnoticed. FML
by Mason_Jayson / 03/22/2009 at 3:45pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous
Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
by konens_dick / 03/22/2009 at 6:38am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML
by Mike / 03/21/2009 at 11:38am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML
by ScoobieDoo / 03/20/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Washington) / Kids
Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. My mom and I were on a ski lift. The ride lasted 10 more uncomfortable minutes. FML
by Yulia / 03/09/2009 at 6:09am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my friend sent me an instant message, telling me how excited she was that she was accepted to a FIT Summer Program. I told her I was so proud, and that she can finally lose that excess weight. She told me that she meant Fashion Institute of Technology. FML
by Noname / 03/07/2009 at 12:41pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by Noname / 03/06/2009 at 2:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
- 1Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually… 2Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana… 3Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and…
- Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest… Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection… Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend…