The Top

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Todd is fine, and you?

By blind_date - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the third person. Seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 935

You deserved it 6 442

By Anonymous - 25/05/2010 23:33 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was "Nice Weather?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 834

You deserved it 39 830

By THANKS4theINFO - 23/05/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie at my girlfriend's house with her and her parents. There was a part where a brother and sister kissed, so I said "where'd they come from, Alabama?" Today is also the day I found out my girlfriend's parents are from Alabama. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 942

You deserved it 38 754

By WanstinChurchHill - 08/09/2009 07:11 - United States

Today, I met a nice girl and decided to ask her out. Later on she showed me a picture of her with her family, she was wearing red and everyone else black. I said jokingly "you look like the adopted child" only to find out that her had parents died and she was indeed adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 384

You deserved it 41 290

Come on!

By prochainefois - 31/01/2014 21:05 - France - Paris

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Come on Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 449

You deserved it 6 928

Dodgy

By jsw029 - 26/02/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and, about 30 seconds in, he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek, and leaves. It turns out that he'd already came. I called his phone - wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 227

You deserved it 20 945

Freud intensifies

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 22:01

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. An ex? A friend? A side guy? Nope, none of those. I called him “Dad”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 553

You deserved it 1 228

Get in there!

By Menareidiots - 24/02/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 869

You deserved it 22 737

Grindr danger

By notagain - 07/03/2020 09:01

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 761

You deserved it 307

Zapped

By joey - 09/03/2020 05:00

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 876

You deserved it 163

Deez nutz hurtz

By Anonymous - 11/03/2020 15:01

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 133

You deserved it 540

Personality crisis

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Marietta

Today, I told my dad about my new diet. He somehow figured I was only doing it to look more attractive to guys, because he told me my weight is fine and that it's just my personality that needs work. Thanks a lot, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 970

You deserved it 2 010

Deception

By Carlah - 17/03/2020 20:30

Today, I found out that the 19-year-old I've been seeing is really 26, with two kids and a pregnant fiancée. I'm only 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 175

You deserved it 494

By Sleepmonster - 10/05/2018 19:00 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I tried contacting my doctor about the “side effect free" medication and diet he'd prescribed for my health issues. I've been sleeping 14 hours a night with naps in between since starting it. I have a full time course load plus work and I can't stay awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 802

You deserved it 265

By LostSleep - 24/05/2016 21:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 771

You deserved it 796

Jesus H Christ

By bastard - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to a Nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming, "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 869

You deserved it 4 544

Saboteur!

By Juancames3 - 23/05/2018 01:30

Today, after spending all night packing for my 5am flight to Brazil, my cat peed all over my open suitcase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 724

You deserved it 728

By toothpaste - 19/01/2012 12:17 - Australia

Today, a man crashed into my car. He then got out of his car, dug a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag, and tried to brush away the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 441

You deserved it 2 321

By Katyness - 10/05/2016 20:20 - United Kingdom

Today, the canteen of the company I work for introduced a cash-less payment method to purchase food. To use it, employees must download the app, which is only available for iPhones. I have a BlackBerry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 033

You deserved it 3 319

Indifference

By Anonymous - 03/05/2020 17:00

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 540

You deserved it 5 306

Get counting

By Ethan_18 - 14/12/2012 05:10 - United States

Today, as my 12-hour shift was about to finish, a young boy came in wanting to buy a $200 gaming device. His mom said he was purchasing it with his own money, which I found admirable. That is, until he took his piggy bank out of his backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 065

You deserved it 2 513

By smooth - 21/11/2013 16:10 - United States

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 641

You deserved it 14 059

By KelseNM - 14/08/2018 14:30

Today, I've been diagnosed with an incurable condition in both eyes that is making me go blind. I lost my job and had to drop out of my final year in college because of this. Then my ex found out and stole my car since I "won't need it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 384

You deserved it 139

Face gone out of control

By UnfortunatelyAmusing - 05/11/2013 00:25 - United States - Princeton Junction

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 314

You deserved it 8 683

Some people just don't like surprises

By alone and horny - 20/06/2020 20:01

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I started to head back in, I saw a shadow move across my bedroom window. I live alone, so I waited outside and called the police. They came and investigated, only to drag my naked boyfriend out, where he promptly dumped me. I forgot our 2-year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 850

You deserved it 1 748

By insomnia - 22/12/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 250

You deserved it 69 100

By lovely - 19/12/2011 06:43 - Netherlands

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 632

You deserved it 4 597

By DamnHippieSoap - 29/08/2018 23:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I discovered my washcloths smelled like mushrooms. As I'm allergic to mold, I panicked and spent all day washing every towel and sheet in the house. At last, I went to take a shower and discovered that the mushroom smell was actually emanating from my $5-a-bar organic soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 714

You deserved it 2 273

By Son - 03/09/2018 23:30 - United States

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 645

You deserved it 249

By RIPLife - 24/03/2016 14:03 - Switzerland - Carouge

Today, I managed to have 17 different nosebleeds throughout the most important job interview of my life. I managed to bleed all over my own suit, my résumé, the carpet, and the corridor leading to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 694

You deserved it 1 556

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The Top

Today, at my job in a pub, I was cleaning the pub garden ready for closedown. There was a girl crouched on the floor under a table. By the time I'd realised what she was doing and turned around, she'd already finished, apologised, and left me to clean up her piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 486

You deserved it 671

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 158

You deserved it 3 333

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 400

You deserved it 10 178

Today, I dropped my Xanax. It wasn't until after I washed it down with some water that I realized it was still on the floor and I had actually swallowed a pebble of cat litter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 246

You deserved it 15 650

The Haka is legit.

I agree, your life sucks 301

You deserved it 66

wtf

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 73