The Top

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Great start to the day

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 02:01

Today, I had to catch a bus to work, as my car had to be taken in yesterday. The bad drivers always upset my stomach with their instant stop/start driving style. I felt a burp coming on, but it turned out to be projectile vomit that filled my mask right up and poured down my shirt and pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 251

You deserved it 220

Ah, push it! Push it real good!

By Jeff99 - 12/01/2025 03:00 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I walked into a "pull" door after confidently telling someone, "It's this way, I know this place like the back of my hand." The sound of my forehead hitting the glass kinda proved otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 509

Roommates from hell

By Failure - 09/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade, for which I'd worked extremely hard. I had one submission for the test, and my roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while I was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 274

You deserved it 3 511

By ifpigsflew - 04/10/2010 23:31 - New Zealand

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 213

You deserved it 2 781

It doesn't exist

By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - 16/05/2013 20:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friendzone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 431

You deserved it 17 344

By Anonymous - 03/10/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I found out that instead of having four wisdom teeth, I have eight. They all have to be removed as soon as possible, which happens to be over the Christmas break. I get to spend my whole vacation in excruciating pain and a swollen face to boot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 843

You deserved it 3 279

Dad pranks '09

By PISSED - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I called her to find out where she lives. She answered the phone, only to hear my father yelling in the background, "STOP TALKING TO THAT WHORE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 690

You deserved it 5 313

Bored senseless

By Anonymous - 01/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 334

You deserved it 2 994

By no luck - 30/09/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I found out less than three weeks before my wedding that my fiancé will lose his new, great paying job, unless we cancel our nonrefundable honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 163

You deserved it 3 615

By sadparty - 06/11/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I suffered a mental breakdown. I told my roommates about it, and they decided to throw a very loud party while I was sobbing in my room, unable to sleep. My Xanax prescription ran out, I have no more sick days, and I have to wake up in two hours to work a ten hour day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 161

You deserved it 7 535

By Ella - 29/05/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I went on a 7-hour plane flight. For 3 hours I had a bloody nose. When it finally stopped, I sneezed. It started to bleed again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 557

You deserved it 2 124

By Anonymous - 22/07/2011 06:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 930

You deserved it 106 342

By secondchild - 12/07/2019 14:00

Today, my parents spent more time, money, and effort on my boyfriend's birthday present than they ever have on any of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 195

What's going on?

By Anonymous - 31/01/2025 09:00 - United States - Miami

Today, I wanted to surprise my girlfriend by cleaning the entire house while she was at work. I even lit incense to make it extra special. When she came home, she walked in, sniffed, and immediately accused me of "cheating or something" because "only guilt makes you clean this much." She also blamed me for adding more dust by burning incense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 602

You deserved it 97

Definitely maybe

By Anonymous - 05/06/2022 00:00

Spicy

Today, my marriage is more or less over, as my wife is so career-obsessed that when I asked if we could spend some time together, she rolled her eyes and gave me permission to sleep with other women, since sex is all I think about. I didn’t ask for sex, just time together. Definitely over I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 038

You deserved it 202

Nice timing, Shitgibbon

By Heartbroken and shocked - 25/08/2023 00:02

Today, on the first day of school, my husband decided it was the perfect time to announce that he’s leaving because he’s seeing another woman. He already had his suitcase packed, and vanished. Now I have to take my kids to school, crying over their dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 106

Denied

By Anonymous - 02/02/2025 20:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up with a raging hard on. My wife, who was also awake, felt it when I pressed against her. She said, "No thank you," got up, and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 205

By Anonymous - 07/05/2013 12:48 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening with my husband. When he suggested we go grocery shopping, I got excited thinking he had organized a surprise party or something. He actually just took me grocery shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 203

You deserved it 9 702

Dude, gross

By emliv12 - 25/05/2012 07:07 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my grandmother told me my favorite top had a permanent smell of BO, despite my constant deodorant use. I wear the top to work just about every shift. I now realize all the weird little comments my coworkers have made are actually hints to go take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 707

You deserved it 28 772

Rough patch

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 483

You deserved it 2 897

Squeak scene

By Anonymous - 25/08/2023 14:00 - Australia

Today, I wore new shoes to work. Little did I expect, once in contact with the linoleum floor in the building, my shoes started making a squeak at every step. I sounded like a toy rubber duck every time I walked down the hallway. The whole workplace has the same lino everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 115

By Btwigster - 19/07/2011 01:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and his bandmates were doing a live interview for a web show. Drunk off his ass, my boyfriend starts telling the internet how his ex-girlfriend is his biggest inspiration. I was standing right next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 012

You deserved it 3 978

Btwigster tells us more.

Btwigster 8

Tuesday 19 July 2011 17:56

He's in a punk band, like, old school punk. Very '70's sounding. They don't even sing about girls that I've noticed! However, he apologized later and explained he was just nervous, and that it would never happen again. I believe that he was just nervous, but that sort of thing sticks with you, you know? You can't help wondering if that's how he really feels.

Nice try

By idiotwithaface - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I recently graduated from high school and I went to a college party. I met these girls and told them I graduated college already, to sound cool. I then heard one of them say, "I went to middle school with you, and I was in your math class." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 569

You deserved it 62 692

By UnluckyJulie - 02/11/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 399

You deserved it 2 703

By shutupandsmile18 - 18/04/2009 02:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling "hot, sexy, and passionate." According to my ring, I'm hot for my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 073

You deserved it 16 875

By slayerdeath - 20/05/2012 05:19 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 647

You deserved it 2 552

Time for a freakout

By Meg - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 478

You deserved it 44 163

By iGotSkill - 31/10/2009 01:32 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her mom who had passed away years ago told her that I was cheating on her, telepathically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 332

You deserved it 2 905

Take them back to the shop

By When it rains it pours - 12/06/2022 18:00

Today, after a night of back pain, fatigue, and wrestling with my crying, screaming son, who couldn’t sleep, I woke up to find my laptop wouldn’t power on because my daughter spilled ice cream on it. I need my laptop for my new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 049

You deserved it 168

Flustered

By Anonymous - 14/02/2025 00:00 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet a potential client. As soon as I sat down, I knocked my coffee over, and it splashed all over my lap. I tried to play it off by making a joke, but I hadn’t brought a spare pair of pants, and the client turned up just as I was mopping my crotch with paper towels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 140

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The Top

The Top

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 063

You deserved it 3 929

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 519

You deserved it 4 632

Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where were the police? They were 500 m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 633

You deserved it 2 265

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants, and he screamed, "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 685

You deserved it 463

Today, I'd never quite realised how nasty my girlfriend was until she hit a kid on a zebra crossing and was more upset that her bumper was dented than the fact an 8 year-old had a broken leg. She was still blaming the kid and demanding his parents pay the damage as he was being put in the ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 762

You deserved it 233

Today, I had to explain to my husband why a Facebook comment that says, “Such a tight body, I bet you can ride some dick real good!” towards a female friend of his is inappropriate. He insists it’s a compliment and accused me of being a “misogynist” and not supporting “female body positivity.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 826

You deserved it 280