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By Ow - 18/04/2014 11:09 - United States - Golden Valley

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 490

You deserved it 59 796

By Sharkie49 - 26/03/2012 22:33 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I paid top dollar for an Italian soda that ended up consisting almost entirely of ice. When I complained, the girl insisted that the soda water stopped the ice from melting. She said she didn't see what the problem was, and threatened to have me thrown out if I didn't "simmer down." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 667

You deserved it 5 335

By Anonymous - 07/06/2015 07:54 - United States - Wheatland

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 778

You deserved it 4 421

By ewww - 25/03/2011 17:31 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friends, when a creepy man sat at the table next to us, and started rubbing his crotch, his gaze never leaving my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 981

You deserved it 4 212

By AML - 31/10/2013 14:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 19-year-old, long-distance boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to text me all day because it's too hard to type while in his Spider-Man suit. It's non-negotiable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 290

You deserved it 15 337

Dead giveaway

By Minabee - 04/02/2010 18:28 - United States

Today, I'm meeting my boyfriend's very conservative parents for the first time, so I decided to dress appropriately and curl my hair to match. In doing so, I accidentally touched my neck with the iron, and I now have a burn there that look a lot like a hickey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 001

You deserved it 4 907

Extra protein

By asthmatic - 18/06/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I used my inhaler for the first time in a year. As soon as I took a puff I felt something strange go down my throat. Upon closer inspection I discovered there had been a spider living in the mouth of my inhaler... and I had just swallowed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 281

You deserved it 8 827

By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 15:51 - Netherlands - Sevenum

Today, I opened up to my best friend about my depression. Her response: "If you're so depressed, why don't you just kill yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 229

You deserved it 2 219

By Anonymous - 08/09/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. I had to get on my dad's Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 891

You deserved it 3 385

By The_Black_Jesus - 31/03/2013 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 403

You deserved it 5 253

By awkwardd - 19/05/2011 12:51 - Hong Kong

Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say "Can you hold my hand?" I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she'd asked me to hold her bag. We didn't say another word after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 428

You deserved it 8 070

Yeet the feet

By SalonGirl - 10/03/2009 11:55 - United States

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 113 647

You deserved it 7 292

By itrustedsnapeallalong - 28/08/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 954

You deserved it 14 509

By Ben - 01/03/2010 03:46 - United States

Today, I was arrested for DWI in my own apartment complex. I had to be released into the custody of a sober adult, but I wasn't allowed access to my phone to get any numbers. I only have a few memorized. So I was picked up from jail by my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé - my manager at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 041

You deserved it 17 404

Guilt

By Dumped - 18/02/2010 08:58 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 109

You deserved it 3 438

Pleased to see me?

By kappaomicron - 19/01/2010 23:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my knob was hanging from a gap in my boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 268

You deserved it 6 730

By yearbook369 - 25/06/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, my school's yearbook awarded "Cutest Couple" to my boyfriend and me. We broke up yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 026

You deserved it 5 561

By iammike - 24/08/2010 22:36 - United States

Today, I saw two cute girls walking my way as I was parking my car. Trying to impress them, I got out and attempted to coolly walk to the sidewalk. I tripped on the curb, scraped both my knees, and was laughed at all the way until I got back inside my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 644

You deserved it 36 040

By Bailey - 22/08/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 785

You deserved it 14 099

By Anonymous - 28/03/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I found my concert tickets that I've been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom's closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 328

You deserved it 6 647

By sharky - 20/01/2012 21:17 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with a friend. We were watching the light show, and when Tinkerbell came out, we both started crying. Some guy noticed and called us "fucking pussies". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 580

You deserved it 45 769

By BritneyFink - 04/02/2009 21:05 - Canada

Today, I bought a jacket with real fur on it. Turns out, i'm allergic and now my ears look like they have herpes on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 348

You deserved it 47 826

By Jackassed - 12/05/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 522

You deserved it 59 244

By virginmary - 02/03/2010 12:38 - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 472

You deserved it 3 882

Love and threats

By soontobedumped - 15/01/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 906

You deserved it 4 887

By Shocked - 18/12/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, I was watching TV. During a very long commercial break, I found my brothers PSP charger next to me. Out of boredom I put my tongue on the end on the metal. Not only did it fry my tongue but found its way to my metal filling in my tooth. I now have a sore tongue and a throbbing toothache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 188

You deserved it 80 597

By sadsadlady - 14/12/2009 20:25 - Canada

Today, I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. His response? "If you can't take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 230

You deserved it 3 746

By burned - 24/05/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was cooking me dinner. He walked away and I decided to help by giving the pan of veggies a sautee flip. My boyfriend failed to mention that he had just pulled that pan out of a 500 degree oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 124

You deserved it 64 175

Inappropriate laughter

By josie345 - 25/08/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, some blowhard on a motorcycle yelled at me for jaywalking, causing him to almost hit a dumpster. He picked up and threw an empty beer can at me when I started giggling at the sticker on the front of his helmet that said, "If you can read this, I have lost my caravan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 172

You deserved it 27 324

By pussy - 04/05/2009 14:46 - Italy

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 344

You deserved it 44 872

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The Top

Today, I paid 11 dollars to see the new Wolverine movie. I arrived an hour early and waited patiently for the movie to start. 3 minutes before it began, a drunk guy stumbled in and took the last empty seat in the theater... next to me. He talked to me the whole movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 212

You deserved it 8 329

Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 230

You deserved it 157

Today, I had my hair done for the first time in 3 years. I loved it. My boyfriend told me I look like his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 194

Today, I told my wife I had a huge Zoom interview and could not be disturbed under any circumstances. Nevertheless, she called her mom, got into a screaming argument the interviewer could clearly hear, then came into my office to cry on my shoulder. She doesn't understand why I'm furious with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 102

Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 975

You deserved it 2 327

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 100

You deserved it 35 921