The Top

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Golden rain

By Username - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff - Korea, Republic of

Today, I was sitting on the porch of my apartment when my drunk upstairs neighbour decided to take a piss. I got my first golden shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 457

You deserved it 209

By maza - 09/08/2019 22:00

Today, I made a nice meal for myself and sat down to eat. Suddenly, my dad burst into my room saying, “We have to go.” This isn’t the first time it’s happened, nor was it an emergency. My family just doesn’t tell me when we have plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 182

Free advertising

By Hidingforever - 18/06/2022 12:00

Today, I accidentally joined my Zoom class meeting with my cam girl account. The whole class now knows what my breasts look like, and know that my nickname is “CumKitten.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 388

You deserved it 2 154

This is America

By Anonymous - 24/09/2023 00:02

Today, I found out that my rent is going up by $100. This is the third year in a row. I'm on SSI ($914/month) and it was $550 when I moved in before the pandemic. I'm also morbidly obese, schizophrenic, and my family doesn't respect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 544

You deserved it 804

Sorry, friend

By How could the fuck I know? - 12/04/2021 17:00

Today, I was given my Covid-19 test results after a friend and I went to take one. I had been sneezing and having fevers lately, and out of solidarity, my friend also took the test to give me the courage to do so. I tested negative, but my friend didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 173

SO FRUSTRATING!

By Squidward tentacles - 24/09/2023 22:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I can't seem to get off having sex with my wife. I've tried going to brothels, but I just end up watching YouTube shorts with the girls after failing to finish. The only thing that gets me off now is masturbating in my bed to the memory of an affair I had with a woman back in 2020. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 328

Consequences

By you’re one to talk! - 27/06/2022 02:00 - United States

Today, I reluctantly went to a family get together. My nosy aunt decided to try to lecture me on why I should spank my kids. That’s great coming from a woman who was a teen mom, had kids with 3 different guys, and now has grown kids that hate her guts. Yeah I truly need lessons on how to be a mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 117

Dog's dinner

By Bad Pet Sitter - 27/09/2023 08:00 - United States

Today, it's been a week since my brother asked me to watch his dog while he's on a business trip. I let his dog out to do his business, and he ran right in front of a pickup. The driver didn't stop in time, and crushed the dog's head. I went to check on him. He's dead, and I will be too when my brother gets back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 887

Beautiful mind

By Anonymous - 21/03/2025 00:00 - United States

Today, I failed a Rorschach test. How do you fail a Rorschach test? WTF. FML

I agree, your life sucks 297

You deserved it 118

Lonesome tonight

By FriendzonedAFBoi - 24/03/2025 00:00 - United States

Today, I realized that in order to get a girl, I have to lose 100lbs and/or get facial reconstruction. If I meet a girl, we get close, I do everything to make her happy, only to be told, “I only like you as a friend.” I also get told that I’d make a “great boyfriend” yet they don’t choose me. Being overlooked sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 355

Incoherent mess

By Anonymous - 06/10/2023 02:30 - United States - San Diego

Today, I'm super sick with a sinus infection and delirious from a lack of sleep and all the meds. When I walked into math class, a boy asked if he could sit next to me. In my head I tried to say, "This is college you have the freedom to sit anywhere you want." All that came out was, "Freedom… everywhere." FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 234

When I Try to Look Good on Camera

By FML Approved - 04/09/2017 22:31

THE CUPCAKE THOUGH

I agree, your life sucks 343

You deserved it 436

Rush hour

By lateforwork - 02/09/2019 14:00

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 756

You deserved it 259

Are you winning?

By Anonymous - 07/04/2025 15:00 - United States - Akron

Today, I bought grapes. Just grapes. At the checkout, the total was $14. I laughed. The cashier didn’t. Now I'll be eating one grape a day like it's caviar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414

You deserved it 123

Happy Birthday to the Ground

By FML Approved - 11/09/2017 22:31

So many FMLs happen on birthdays. They should probably be avoided altogether.

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 135

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By Anonymous - 17/07/2022 02:00 - United Kingdom

Today, after my housemate handed in his notice to vacate without telling me beforehand, I had few days whilst working to make a decision to stay or vacate. In a panic, I chose vacate. On my day off I sat down with my finances and discovered I can't afford elsewhere. I asked to stay, my landlord put up rent by 50%. I might now become homeless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 011

You deserved it 255

Misguided

By Anonymous - 27/10/2023 22:00

Today, my dad invited me to a bar that turned out to be a brothel, because “it’s pathetic that I’m still a virgin and it’s past time I just get it over with.” I’m not a virgin, I’ve just never been with a woman because I’m gay and still haven’t told my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 534

You deserved it 215

By Flutie - 27/10/2017 22:00

Today, I went to a haunted house with my fiancé. A few minutes in, I saw someone following us so I turned and screamed. She ran off and my fiancé explained that she wasn't an actor, just a lady with a pigment disorder. I can never go back there again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 418

You deserved it 783

No BigMac for you

By Anonymous - 17/09/2019 18:00 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, after months of searching for any kind of work, I finally received a call. It was McDonald's, but they said I was overqualified for the position. I thought they took anyone with a heart rate. Apparently not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 731

You deserved it 118

Did I ever?

By Anonymous - 27/04/2025 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I’d never felt like a ho before, until I was at a party where someone decided we needed to play 'Never Have I Ever', and I’d done everything sexual that people were coming up with. I actually felt disgusted at myself. I might need Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 176

You deserved it 482

How Soon is Now?

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 19:59 - Colombia - Bogota

Today, I realized that my boyfriend‘s birthday was two weeks ago, so I immediately sent him a message as if it was today. He didn’t believe my excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 934

Call me by my name

By Tim Scotten - 18/05/2021 06:01

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Her new nickname for me is "Mr. Breakfast Sausage." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 230

You deserved it 252

Very sus behaviour

By Anonymous - 11/11/2023 22:00 - Germany

Today, after 5 months in his new apartment, the only kitchenware my boyfriend has unpacked is one single butter knife. He will not unpack the rest, or let me do it for him, so if I want to so much as eat a yoghurt or stir my coffee, I have to bring my own spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 447

You deserved it 183

Nice guy

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 01:59 - Australia

Today, I found out that four years ago, my fiancé and the father of my children had sex with my younger sister twice, one of those times being in my house while our baby and I were sleeping in the next room. Couldn’t be better timing as I start chemotherapy in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 026

You deserved it 134

Love comes quickly

By Anonymous - 20/07/2022 04:00

Today, my girlfriend dressed as Black Widow in a professionally-made skintight suit for our anniversary and even dyed her hair red. I was so turned on I did something I’ve never, ever done before: I orgasmed in my pants before she even touched me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 234

You deserved it 638

Rough school

By strayking - 24/05/2021 17:01

Today, my daughter admitted that she doesn’t have any friends at her elementary school. When I asked her why, she said it was because whenever she talks to any of the other kids, she gets punched in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 221

You deserved it 89

Sorry Danny de Vito…

By Anonymous - 28/05/2021 14:00

Today, I met my celebrity crush in an official capacity, I was completely tongue tied and when I stood to shake her hand, I tripped and fell with my face in her cleavage. She thought it was funny, but I was mortified and my boss suspended me until security footage proves I didn’t do it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 210

You deserved it 182

Cough up

By RIP me - 20/05/2025 00:00 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I was ordered to pay most of my income in child support to my ex. We weren't ever married and her kid is not mine! We lived together for two years until we realized we weren't compatible, then she sued me when we split. I'm now paying more than her kid's rich-ass dad. How the fuck is this fair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 113

Wrong way down a one way strrreeeeet

By WrongTrainGuy - 27/05/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I took the wrong train and didn’t realise it until it arrived in Aberdeen. Eight hours from where I was meant to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 974

You can't say anything anymore

By Anonymous - 21/05/2025 12:00 - United States - York

Today, after months of saying I wanted to kill myself, someone finally reported me. I can't go back to school until I see a therapist who has to approve my going back to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 130

You deserved it 813

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The Top

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost three months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 772

You deserved it 16 077

Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 492

You deserved it 8 874

Today, I woke up screaming. Why? Well, I was complaining to my dad yesterday about how I always hit the snooze button and just roll over when my alarm goes off, and how that results in me being late for morning classes. My dad thought he'd help out by placing a mousetrap on the snooze button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 520

You deserved it 30 685

Today, was my senior prom. I've had a crush on my date for months, but after many attempts at grinding with him and sexy seduction, he rejected me saying he was a good Catholic boy. I later found out that not only is he in touch with his religion, but intimately in touch with other boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 855

You deserved it 7 375

Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 839

You deserved it 3 495

Today, I lost yet another girlfriend because of my kids’ behavior. The last one told me, “I’d rather get fisted by Freddy Krueger than deal with those hellspawn of yours!” At this point, I’m going to be a single dad forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 696