Ry Varga

Today, I managed to pay my rent in full for once. My bank called me on suspicion of fraud. FML

Today, I was getting ready for a date. I spent extra time getting ready in the shower, making sure I was all shaved. I was shaving my upper lip to make sure I didn't have a mustache. I cut my lip really badly, leaving the most noticable razor cut on my face for my date. I'm a girl. FML

Demon child

Today, I was babysitting a two year-old. He was messing around with a silver fork and I told him it was dangerous. He then got mad at me, started crying, and stabbed me right in the foot. Be warned, even though they're little, they can still cause a lot of pain. FML

Today, my mom tried to burn my arm with a hot spatula, all because I got a tattoo against her wishes. FML

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

Potholer

Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong hole, I mean another man’s anus. FML

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML