Wassenaar, Netherlands 33 years-old
Today, I went through the local coffee shop drive-thru and got a canned energy drink. I didn't notice the extra topping until I was miles down the road. Someone had thoughtfully topped the can with whipped cream and curly hairs. FML
Today, I went into my husband's man cave to ask him a question. He was blasting a song about being an unemployed single loser, singing along, and playing video games. What the fuck did I marry? FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months moved into my apartment. I had never been to his place because his roommate was a drug addict, so it came as quite a surprise when he brought three taxidermied cats with him, insisting that I let him mount them in the living room. FML
Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML
Today, I spoke out at a town hall about the lack of affordable housing. I was called a “Marxist” and told to “Move to Canada” by a guy who was vaping and wearing a “Don't Tread on Me” shirt. FML
Today, I've been diagnosed with a severe lung infection. This causes me to viciously hack up a lung every two minutes or so. Not only can I barely breathe as it is, my job requires lots of running around, cleaning and interacting with customers. I have a five-hour shift tonight. FML
Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML
Today, I finally got a raise after years of hard work! Excited, I went on a shopping spree, but as I checked the latest prices, it turns out that my extra income barely covers the increase in my grocery bill. Thanks, inflation. FML
Today, as I was excited to celebrate our second anniversary, I paid for my girlfriend's three hour trip down and dinner, only for her to come over, break up with me, and then leave. Her Instagram story later read, "Don't let anything spoil your mood." FML
Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML
Today, my coworker keeps loudly saying things like, "Oh, now THIS!" If I don't ask, "What?" she pouts. If I do ask, she tells me, at length and with very bad grammar, how every one of our colleagues and partners is either stupid, rude or out to get her. FML
Today, I'm going to be helping the love of my life pick out an engagement ring for my cousin. FML
Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML
Today, I was in a car accident. When I came home, I told my mom. She just got angry with me, blamed me for it, and didn't even ask if I was OK. FML
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