Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad was having an affair on my mom with. FML
Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML
Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her, "Just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and then turned to me to yell, "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML
Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML
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