truthinlies

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML

Marvel Comics

Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML