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So close…

By Anonymous - 30/08/2014 06:44 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 903

You deserved it 6 275

By Hallllo - 11/05/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 344

You deserved it 9 108

USA! USA! USA!

By Your turkey stinks anyway - 27/11/2024 09:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I was uninvited to our usual family Thanksgiving, as well as the rest of the holidays with my extended family. Why? They found out who I voted for. I won't say who, but according to my aunt, I'm to blame for putting their son's healthcare at risk. WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 284

You deserved it 1 252

By kimos - 10/05/2009 14:10 - Canada

Today, I poured myself some punch into a mug I have sitting on a shelf at my studio. Upon tipping it upside down to swallow the last few delicious drops, I see a cluster of mouse droppings stuck to the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 145

You deserved it 21 692

kimos tells us more.

kimos 0

Monday 11 May 2009 2:59

Yup. This was stupid on my part. It was at my ceramics studio where we apparently now have mice. It's a brown mug that I keep in my work area. I should have thought to clean it before I drank but I didn't. Gross.

Weird turn on, but OK

By Anonymous - 19/03/2022 16:30 - India

Today, I realised my sex drive has improved massively since I started fantasising about Bruno from Encanto on the regular. I thought my lack of appetite was because of my mental health issues. Apparently not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 321

Oh oh, he's back

By fubuggie - 14/06/2013 05:57 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, while working the register, a known mentally-unstable man approached me. He ended up telling me that the Statue of Liberty is sexist and a screw-up by Washington. When I told him that the French made it, he told me to shut up and complained to my manager. He knows me by name now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 562

You deserved it 5 051

By JDBigDawg - 02/07/2012 07:23 - United States - Orange

Today, I was at the airport and I offered to help an elderly man carry his golf clubs. Apparently, I sounded sarcastic and condescending, because he started screaming at me about etiquette and manners in front of the entire airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 143

You deserved it 2 381

JDBigDawg tells us more.

JDBigDawg 0

Tuesday 3 July 2012 7:49

THAT WAS THE AIRPORT. Wow nice guess!

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 14:37 - United States

Today, when I got home from work, my fiancé was finishing up with the plumber who had just installed new fixtures for our shower. I decided that I was going to be the first to break it in. I went to the bathroom, got undressed and went to start the water. The OTHER plumber was still in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 024

You deserved it 27 746

By Anonymous - 20/05/2019 00:30

Today, I walked in on my little brother dressing up like Billie Eilish, his new favorite singer. He tore up some of my favorite clothes to make the outfits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 161

Donor

By Anonymous - 03/07/2023 03:00

Today, a few weeks after my ex dumped me and I'd just started to get over it, she asked me to get her pregnant. We had sex once within the year we were dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 178

Who let you in?

By Bye Bye Toast - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I came home from a funeral to find that my mother had cleaned my house. She thought it would be a good idea to put my toaster in the dishwasher to clean it. My toaster is fried, and she thinks everything's fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 562

You deserved it 239

By Bookworm - 05/06/2013 17:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 951

You deserved it 4 393

By Muwz - 13/08/2014 04:28 - France

Today, at the beach, I noticed a plastic bag in the water. I wanted to do something good for a change, help protect the environment and get it out. It wasn't a bag; it was a jellyfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 528

You deserved it 9 782

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 10:33 - Australia

Today, I temporarily got off the bus for the other students to get off, because they push and shove along their way. Then the bus driver closed the door on me and drove off. My laptop was on that bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 528

You deserved it 17 232

By Brian - 04/05/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I had my first real meeting with my girlfriend's parents. We had dinner at a pretty upscale restaurant and everything was going great. When the check came, I offered to pay and I stood up to take out my wallet. When I opened it, 3 condoms fell out on the table in front of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 552

You deserved it 64 600

Tasty snack

By Anonymous - 16/07/2023 11:00 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I showered with my favorite soaps, and I used my favorite perfumes and lotions too. I layered my scents to get a nice fruity, girly scent, which helps boosts my confidence. My husband walked in the bedroom when I was done and said that it smelled like cheesy garlic bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 449

By thesmartone - 21/06/2012 03:44 - United States

Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 034

You deserved it 4 839

By jakethed0g - 10/08/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 385

You deserved it 3 071

By Quin - 31/05/2019 14:00

Today, I was running around the track at school PE with a lot of other students. I noticed a guy who smelled really bad and I thought to myself how disgusting that was and I felt bad for him. Later, I was changing and caught a whiff of my shirt. It wasn't him who was smelly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 640

You deserved it 2 066

Above the law

By Anonymous - 19/07/2023 06:00

Today, our wedding was ruined. My fiancée detests children due to traumatic childhood abuse, so our wedding was adults only. Two families showed up with children known to always misbehave. The stress pushed my fiancée into a minor heart attack, she’s now in hospital and the wedding didn’t happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 180

The customer is always an ass

By muffins - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Potomac

Today, while working my shift at the grocery store, we ran out of muffins. I'm a little overweight, and I guess that's the reason an irate customer accused me of eating all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 683

You deserved it 4 683

By Lootz - 03/05/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 411

You deserved it 20 175

Not a morning person

By crazybitch - 18/06/2012 04:57 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 027

You deserved it 4 076

Rude awakening

By oww - 15/11/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 266

You deserved it 3 405

By EliTheAdorable - 28/07/2014 05:50 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I dyed a friend's hair dark brown. She assured me I didn't need gloves as the dye would wash off. It didn't. My shift as a server is in an hour and it looks like I've been working in a tire shop my whole life. Goodbye tips, hello angry customers not wanting me anywhere near their food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 309

You deserved it 22 968

EliTheAdorable tells us more.

EliTheAdorable 12

Monday 28 July 2014 22:41

All of you who gave me things to say to customers, they were hilarious! Also, I'd like to explain a little bit. The reason she didn't have any gloves for me to wear is because the hair dye she bought didn't come in a box. It was two metal tubes of the stuff in a bag, that was it! I knew better but let her talk me into it anyway. It's definitely my fault, I take full responsibility because I've dyed hair before (mine, mainly) and I know what it can do and if she had told me about it any sooner, I would have brought my own gloves. Oh well, just another funny story to tell. As for work, I went up to the restaurant (I don't live more than 2 miles away) showed my manager my hands and explained the situation. He laughed about and was understanding. Luckily, someone was able to cover my shift, I just needed to clean my hands ASAP! Thank you for all of the suggestions on how to get it off! They're returning to their normal shade of porcelain white (which makes it even more obvious) but I'm definitely going to speed up the process! Sorry for the long comment!

By bronieswillrule5eva - 11/06/2012 18:16 - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 716

You deserved it 3 490