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Avoidance technique

By M…… - 05/06/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, two days before our vacation, I caught my wife coaching our six year-old son how to fake nightmares, so he could sleep in our bed every night. I now understand why we never have sex on vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 135

This is my life

By Broke - 07/02/2020 05:00 - United States

Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 009

You deserved it 217

Mismanaged

By Anonymous - 24/01/2015 17:24

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 873

You deserved it 2 367

Happy Nothing

By Cheapass - 07/11/2021 02:00

Today, it’s my birthday. My boyfriend didn’t get me a present, or do anything special for me, because, “The rent’s paid, you have a fridge full of groceries… What more do you want?” Later on, he asked me why did I, “look so sad?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 401

You deserved it 300

Red pill dingus

By Anonymous - 10/06/2024 21:00

Today, my son is refusing to find a girlfriend because, as he puts it, “Them woke bitches just want my money.” He lives alone, has a good job and lots of friends, but he never asks anyone out, and when women ask him out, he practically hisses at them like a feral cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 211

You deserved it 602

By birdfoooo - 29/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, as I was leaving Walmart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 023

You deserved it 55 236

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 04:29 - United States - Bentonville

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 030

You deserved it 2 897

Brutally honest

By thisucks - 28/01/2010 13:59 - Canada

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 402

You deserved it 11 020

Huh?

By Anonymous - 14/07/2009 18:03 - Spain

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter brought some bread and I started eating it as I waited for him to take my order. When he approached me he looked at me and said, "Don't eat too much bread honey. It'll make you fatter." Not fat, fatter. I never thought of myself as fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 295

You deserved it 7 077

TMI

By mael - 25/11/2008 08:54 - France

Today, I was looking for a magazine in my mother's bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. Apparently, my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad's cock is bent. Nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 569

You deserved it 10 510

By Anonymous - 19/01/2015 22:07 - Canada - Brampton

Today, while walking to work, I sneezed so violently that I slipped on a patch of ice and hit the ground hard, badly spraining my shoulder. I lay there in agony as a pair of bystanders just stood there, laughing their asses off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 646

You deserved it 3 133

By samantha - 27/01/2010 14:05 - Singapore

Today, I was sick with the flu so my boyfriend announced that he would make me some chicken soup. It was touching until I stumbled to the kitchen and found out that his "chicken soup" was actually leftover KFC bones boiled in water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 767

You deserved it 4 386

Mom know best

By Anonymous - 27/01/2023 15:00

Today, I realized my mom was right. I should have listened to her and not gotten a pet alligator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 148

You deserved it 1 703

Mind games

By Aaron - 27/01/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, some girl from Colorado called me. She knew my name. My Facebook. I had no idea how she got my number. She then asked me out. I say, "Sure…" sarcastically. She then called my girlfriend, who also lives in Colorado. Our relationship is now over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 933

You deserved it 39 577

Communication

By mairelys - 26/01/2010 06:56 - Canada

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 024

You deserved it 10 211

Sneaky hand shandy

By Skylan - 13/11/2008 10:31 - France

Today, I took advantage of the fact that my wife was sleeping to watch porn on my computer. I put headphones on so that she wouldn't hear, but It wasn't until she came out of the bedroom that I realised I hadn't plugged them in properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 806

You deserved it 58 993

Horse Riding Fail

By FML Videos - 23/09/2018 00:30

I don't do surprises.

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 235

SORRY!

By imsorry - 14/01/2015 23:57 - United States - Oakland

Today, I found out how whipped I am when, at the climax of sex, I moaned, "I'm sorry!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 223

You deserved it 7 838

By Anonymous - 20/01/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I dozed off during a lecture. When I woke up, I didn't recognize any of the people surrounding me, and I saw one guy pointing and laughing at me. It turns out, my professor instructed everyone to let me sleep because he wanted to see how long it would be before I woke up. I was asleep for three hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 087

You deserved it 34 258

By Anonymous - 24/01/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, I broke my dominant hand. My teacher insists we hand-write our essays. I called and asked if it was okay for me to type up the essays. She said no. I have two essays due tomorrow, which count for half my grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 391

You deserved it 3 598

By Tara - 31/10/2008 07:06 - Sweden

Today, I babysat a four year-old kid, so his parents could go out to party. Once in bed, he yelled, "I want to go party!" After three or four times, I told him to go to sleep. Two hours later, he'd wet the bed, saying, "I told you I want to go potty!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 001

You deserved it 52 330

Denial

By Anonymous - 25/11/2021 23:00

Today, and every time I try to talk to my mother about being a lesbian, she just says in the most condescending way, "Oh no you're not sweetie, it’s just a phase." The "phase" has lasted 17 years, including marrying my wife and adopting twin sons, but sure, it’s “just a phase.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 765

You deserved it 252

Not amused

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 756

You deserved it 2 116

By Anonymous - 20/11/2011 00:21 - United States

Today, I went outside for a cigarette since I don't like smoking in the house. When I was done, I stomped it out. I wasn't wearing shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 130

You deserved it 66 213

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 16:44 - France

Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 634

You deserved it 8 320

By Anonymous - 23/01/2010 08:05 - United States

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 872

You deserved it 4 489

Not literally, surely?

By Anonymous - 11/02/2023 06:00

Today, I found out that my dad came across my nudes that got leaked online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 855

Same

By Anonymous - 08/01/2015 14:24 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 997

You deserved it 6 097

Demonic possession

By no sleep til - 05/12/2021 17:00

Today, my girlfriend spent the night for the first time. It was like dancing the Hokey Pokey. No, that’s not a euphemism for sex. She stuck her right foot in my thigh, her knee in my spine, then moved her whole fucking body around the bed all night. I didn't sleep a wink all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 100

You deserved it 207

Party animal

By stupid friendless loser - 29/06/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I slipped out my bedroom window at night in an attempt to rebel against my parents. Then I realized that I have no friends and nowhere to go, so I tried to climb back in. I fell, broke my ankle, and laid in the dirt until my parents found me in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 176

You deserved it 715

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my two year-old fell with a toy in her hand. The TV isn't even paid off yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 247

You deserved it 494

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year-old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 972

You deserved it 18 131

Today, my boyfriend sent me an article about how smelling farts can reduce dementia then added, "You're welcome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 945

You deserved it 908

Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 327

You deserved it 5 643

Today, I gave a coworker a lift to the next town over town catch a train. When I picked him up, he was wasted, and halfway there he asked me to pull over so he could puke. He managed not to blow chunks, but crapped his pants in the process. He left a stain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 073

You deserved it 514

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 603

You deserved it 289