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Behave!

By Anonymous - 06/08/2018 00:00 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 317

You deserved it 1 147

Get it on

By Anonymous - 21/04/2016 20:28 - United States - Fremont

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend, when his doorbell rang. He said it was his friend and that he'd be back soon. He shut off his video feed but forgot to mute his audio. A few minutes later, I heard him and some orgasm-faking girl getting it on in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 620

You deserved it 1 778

By UnicornWaffles - 16/03/2016 17:23 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I had sex with a guy I really had a connection with. It went perfect until I complimented how his moans during sex turn me on a lot, and he responded with, "That's what my mom told me." I laughed so hard we couldn't go on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 044

You deserved it 3 282

UnicornWaffles tells us more.

UnicornWaffles 23

Friday 18 March 2016 2:13

Hey fellas, quick clarification. When he said what he said I just blurted out laughing, because to me it obviously was a joke. Further confirmation would have either ruin the joke or ruin sex with him forever. He may have very well been a mother-****** but I wouldn't need to know, as we're not dating each other. That being said, I'm positive it's humor, and any humor is a good laugh to me if you appreciate the other person's intension to make you happy. I did forbid him to say that again in bed though; it'll just be creepy a second time. Thanks for you comments :) we had a good laugh.

By EnderHorse - 05/11/2015 20:52 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 772

You deserved it 2 530

By Starchaser - 16/04/2017 19:23

Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 378

You deserved it 633

By Walter_Sobchak7 - 12/08/2017 01:30

Today, while at work, a sneeze snuck up on me. Ever sneeze so violently your fake tooth shoots into the cubicle across from you? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 589

You deserved it 345

At long last

By Lonile13 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Philippines

Today, after two years and five months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 015

You deserved it 6 101

By AndI'veHadChildren - 10/10/2017 17:15 - United States

Today, I was passing a kidney stone. I had to go to the ER but had no one to take me, so I drove myself. They made me wait 3 hours because it was suspicious that someone in "so much pain" could drive. It was the largest stone that doctor had seen in his career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 653

You deserved it 248

By oh - 23/02/2016 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 580

You deserved it 2 105

By Anonymous - 12/10/2018 22:30

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 698

You deserved it 206

By Anonymous - 28/02/2017 22:00

Today, as I was at Starbucks writing a paper, a man came and sat next to me. He started staring at me, then I noticed his hands were down his pants. It was noticeable that he was masturbating, so I went to tell a worker. They just said, "He's a regular" and didn't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 787

You deserved it 720

Naughty boy

By a cat named tiddles - 30/03/2017 00:00

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put him outside. Unhappy with the situation, he leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile-vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 425

You deserved it 770

Creepy

By trackdaddy - 02/05/2017 09:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 959

You deserved it 447

By Ajax_Teh_Great - 20/10/2015 07:49 - United States

Today, I was stabbed because a mugger got mad that I was broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 764

You deserved it 2 039

Ajax_Teh_Great tells us more.

Ajax_Teh_Great 19

Wednesday 21 October 2015 8:36

Hey Everyone, OP here. Thanks for all the support and making me laugh. Luckily he hadn't taken anything of value, although he had taken my shoes(ridiculous, I know). I was walking home from my job because my bike was also stolen. Again, FML. I had accidentally left my wallet at my house which is lucky for once. After being stabbed, someone had seen me bleeding, so they called 911. I'm no longer in the hospital as the wound wasn't serious, so I'm doing slightly better. Again, Thanks for the support.

By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie - 09/05/2017 00:00

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 728

You deserved it 668

Gullible

By Anonymous - 02/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling, "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 899

You deserved it 23 587

Been There

By PeppermintPenny - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 944

You deserved it 1 608

By nightfall8705 - 16/08/2017 13:05

Today, I snuck up behind my cousin and stole his drink. I took a sip, laughed and said, "haha, I got your drink!" He turned around with a giant, oozing cold sore on his lip and said, "haha, you got mouth herpes!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 365

You deserved it 7 101

nightfall8705 tells us more.

nightfall8705 33

Wednesday 16 August 2017 0:28

Actually, it's not stolen, it really did happen, and it happened because my cousin is a thieving turd and needed a taste of his own medicine. And no I didn't actually touch the cup with my mouth so I don't have the mouth herpes. The more you know.

By "mbrider" - 12/08/2017 16:00

Today, I saved a woman from drowning at a pool where I lifeguard, but when I got her out of the water she started screaming about sexual assault. Apparently I accidentally brushed her breasts when pulling her up and out of the water. She wants to sue me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 918

You deserved it 271