Your everyday life stories

turnedoff - 18/06/2012 01:00 - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

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Anonymous - 01/05/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, "Who are you?" Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

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sopissed - 13/06/2012 18:13 - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

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Anonymous - 09/06/2019 02:00

Today, my mother told me she's planning on taking the next two weeks "off". She is unemployed and on disability, and spends her days on the couch watching Netflix. Off from what? FML

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Anonymous - 25/05/2013 23:12 - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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Thanks, spellcheck

fuckspellcheck - - United States

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

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Mylifesucks - 23/05/2013 05:11 - United States - Lexington

Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML

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ice4eva - 21/06/2019 14:05

Today, I was eating pizza and I started bitching about how our campus doesn't have any healthy food choices, and that I was forced to eat this disgusting, greasy pizza. My friend then pointed out that I was standing next to the salad bar. FML

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MikeMorin18 - 01/08/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

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idiot - 19/11/2016 06:48 - United States - Wausau

Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML

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Privacy

whyme27 - - United States - South Bend

Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML

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Let that sink in

Anonymous - 04/10/2010 21:42 - Canada

Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML

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Dan - 09/11/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

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Champion the wonder horse - 28/07/2011 08:15 - United States

Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

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Jeremy?

Anonymous - 20/04/2022 22:00

Today, I shat myself in the middle of Walmart. It dripped out the bottom of my pants till i made it to the restroom, which was on the other side of the store. FML

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Creepy but funny

Anonymous - 01/06/2012 20:46 - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "Recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

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Speak your brains

ValerieRolle - 28/04/2022 18:00

Today, one of my co-workers, who I secretly hate, announced she and her husband were expecting. She's rather big. Without thinking, I said, "How did he manage to find your vag under those fat rolls?" I got placed on suspension and now have to attend a training on sexual harassment in the workplace. FML

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Crushed - 04/11/2016 14:23

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

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rachelllynne - 09/05/2013 17:44 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, the woman I babysat for blamed me for the cut on her son's face, and fired me with no pay for not looking after him properly. He already had the cut when I arrived. FML

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Give it to me, Sheldon!

oh lord - 27/05/2012 16:06 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

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bridetobe - 22/07/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, I'm sitting at home, alone, playing video games. My wedding is tomorrow afternoon. None of my bridesmaids wanted to hang out tonight. FML

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Stranded

i love stupid people - 14/07/2019 06:30

Today, I went on a 50 km bike ride with a friend. We stopped for a break halfway through, and locked our bikes up. When we returned, some guy had locked his bike to mine. We had to wait an hour for him to return. FML

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It's not a prank, bro!

Anonymous - - United States

Today, I was at volleyball tryouts when I accidentally spiked the ball into the fire alarm. The fire fighters did not look happy when they found out what had happened. So much for being on the team. FML

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boblaj - 22/05/2012 16:11 - United Kingdom - Hastings

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

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Spooked

Anonymous - 18/03/2021 08:01

Today, I found out that the loud "firecrackers" I heard the night before were actually shotgun blasts by my neighbor murdering his girlfriend. FML

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adamclmns - 16/07/2011 22:52 - United States

Today, after a stressful week, I spent my last few dollars on some comfort food. Later, my roommate's girlfriend came over and helped herself to my juice, drinking it straight from the bottle. I'm such a germaphobe, I can't bring myself to even take a sip. It's a full bottle. FML

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ManInPain - 12/07/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

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Anonymous - 27/04/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

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just me - 13/05/2012 18:54 - Germany - Overath

Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". FML

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Elephant

frank - 26/03/2021 23:01

Today, I farted in my office, assuming nobody would come in until the smoke cleared. The new girl then came in to introduce herself. She had her hands on her nose the whole time, while we both awkwardly tried to ignore the stank elephant in the room. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Love Coworkers Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Jealousy Underwear Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I was separating my notes into two piles: one to save for exam studying and one to throw out. I finished separating, picked up the junk pile, and absentmindedly shredded it. Afterwards, I looked down to see the junk pile still completely intact. Goodbye, passing grades. FML

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Today, I got locked out of my house. After trying unsuccessfully to jimmy the lock, I managed to climb in through the kitchen window. I soon found out I had an effect on the door after all; it won't open at all any more, even with the right key. FML

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Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

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Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

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Today, my dentist pulled the wrong tooth. FML

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Today, my boyfriend and I had sex to music, which we hadn't done before. I was getting close when it cut to commercial. I was so turned off by the idea of coming during an ad break that I didn't come at all. Thanks Spotify. FML

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