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By memphis201 - 26/07/2012 17:20 - United States - Lexington

Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 845

You deserved it 16 096

memphis201 tells us more.

memphis201 14

Friday 27 July 2012 15:32

Just for clarification, I always wash my hands before I use a tampon, but in this case it was an emergency, if you get what I mean by that. I also didn't have the kind that uses an applicator available so I had to actually put my hands up there for the tampon to function properly.

By anonymous - 25/11/2015 02:59 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 297

You deserved it 1 538

Prospects

By mike - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 732

You deserved it 4 626

Nice of her

By Bill - 06/12/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year-old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 972

You deserved it 18 131

Thanks, I guess?

By hungry? - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Talbott

Today, some friends told me that my natural body odor smells like cooked beef and roasted onions. I'm disgustingly delicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 148

You deserved it 4 583

Chafing hell

By joonsson - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I had to get an EKG device attached for a 24-hour test. Not too bad, but I have to wear a string vest over it, and every time I move, it chafes something crazy. My nipples in particular. Only 22 hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 468

You deserved it 358

Forget me not

By Anonymous - 23/03/2022 04:00

Today, it's been a week since my husband woke up with what the hospital says is transient amnesia. He’s lost about 15 years of memories and thinks he’s in his 20’s. We’ve only been married 5 years, and dated 3 years before that, so he has no idea who I am, has no idea his parents are dead, or who our son is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 729

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 27/06/2013 20:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, the weather was so hot that I couldn't stop sweating profusely while using the restroom. Ever slipped off the toilet seat and hit the floor hard due to ass-sweat? Not a pleasant experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 482

You deserved it 6 438

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 17:35 - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 411

You deserved it 12 884

By Indiandisaster - 18/09/2012 00:25 - India - Madras

Today, I’m teaching French in a university in India. One of the students asked me if Paris was the only city in France. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 73

By assholedad - 21/06/2013 18:05 - United States - Dayton

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 228

You deserved it 5 118

By Anonymous - 08/05/2019 23:00

Today, my husband argued that it's not cheating if he's using his brother's Facebook account to talk to other women, because they think it's him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 117

You deserved it 161

By yvon la moto - 06/11/2015 10:26 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

I agree, your life sucks 296

You deserved it 1 105

By paprgrl421 - 13/05/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my cell phone rang while I was still asleep. I picked it up, half asleep, only to find it was a wrong number from some guy. Three minutes later I receive a text message saying "Hey, you sound cute..." from the same number. I looked to see if he was local. I'm that desperate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 684

You deserved it 10 107

paprgrl421 tells us more.

paprgrl421 5

Thursday 14 May 2009 2:22

He was local, no I didn't respond. I live in a less densely populated area (i.e. small town) so it's very easy to see where he was from. I can even pinpoint his cellular carrier by his area code+***. That's how few places offer cell service in wisconsin

By Anonymous - 01/09/2014 02:18 - United States - Bronx

Today, while eating cotton candy, a drunk person came up to me and said "HEY! COTTON CANDY!" And bit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 956

You deserved it 3 254

By SCARRED - 29/08/2014 20:15 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I walked in on my dad giving my mom a striptease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 812

You deserved it 7 603

By katie06 - 28/10/2010 06:39 - United States

Today, my dad explained to me the "chain of command" for our house. McKinley, Mom, himself, Charlie, then me. McKinley is my two year old daughter and Charlie is the dog. He was dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 133

You deserved it 5 727

By KeepOnTruckin' - 18/05/2019 17:50

Today, I had to help my best friend plan his upcoming date with the girl he doesn't know I'm secretly in love with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 938

You deserved it 595

Balls!

By BigmouthStrikesAgain - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 451

You deserved it 8 447

No logic

By Anonymous - 26/01/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my uncle died from COVID he contracted at church. During the service, his pastor got up and started talking about how proud he was that my uncle didn't let a pandemic stop him from going to worship. At the church. That gave him COVID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 202

Mind your own business, lady

By Anonymous - 12/06/2013 16:47 - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 758

You deserved it 9 093

FML's Who's Responsible…?

By Louis - 25/04/2017 21:30 - France - Saint-jean-de-braye

Can you work out who dunnit?

I agree, your life sucks 517

You deserved it 155

Goddamn commies

By Frazz - 10/06/2013 05:09 - Australia - Aspley

Today, I was told by my grandfather that I was no longer allowed to visit him or to set foot in his house. Why? He found out I have been taking Japanese and German as electives in my degree, so I must be an 'enemy spy'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 165

You deserved it 5 276

Mindblowing

By apparantlyStupid - 27/06/2012 23:28 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 334

You deserved it 43 649

By Anonymous - 06/06/2013 18:47 - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 387

You deserved it 3 884

Get away from me

By Jinthebar - 06/05/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 161

You deserved it 7 963

By Anonymous - 05/05/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I lost track of time while rocking out, butt-naked, to Kelly Clarkson and Michelle Branch after taking a shower. Three of my metalhead friends had let themselves in my house and were on the lower level laughing their butts off at me for 30 minutes before telling me. I'm a 23 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 267

You deserved it 63 249

You're not in the army now, oh oh ohoh

By Anonymous - 13/04/2022 18:00

Today, my son was booted out of the army after one week for laziness, giving attitude to his training sergeant, sheer bloody stupidity, and asking the man who ran the on base shop if he could score weed anywhere on base. Even the army can’t sort out this asshole I gave birth to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 501

Management

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an hour-long meeting with my manager where she informed me the reason I had not been promoted is because she felt that people would not like to work for me, because I would, "make them do their job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 954

You deserved it 2 132

Don't flush them

By failallday - 07/08/2014 09:09 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my customer's pipes were blocked. As I went to unblock it, about a handful of used condoms collided with my face. I don't know if I should be disgusted by this or disgusted by my customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 273

You deserved it 4 772

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 835

You deserved it 1 338

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 624

You deserved it 344

Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 1 746

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 023

You deserved it 10 211

Today, after my fourth flat tire, I realized that I've had more flat tires in the last 2 years than months in relationships throughout my entire life. I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 158

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 791

You deserved it 219