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Bad choice of material, dude

By screwed - This FML is from back in 2020 but it's good stuff

Today, I told my on and off girlfriend as a joke that I stalked her two years ago. She didn't believe me. When I say she didn't believe me, I mean she didn't believe it was a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 548

You deserved it 2 378

Mr Clean

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 10:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 314

You deserved it 7 607

By muffinmen1022 - 20/02/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 458

You deserved it 11 834

It's a doggy dog world

By Zach Got Robbed - 08/01/2014 23:02 - United States - Clifton

Today, my 175-pound rottweiler I've raised since a puppy watched me get jumped and robbed of my phone and money in my yard. An hour later, he hopped the fence and chased the mail man down the street after he leaned on the fence for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 436

You deserved it 5 324

By abrooks88 - 08/02/2012 16:53 - United States

Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 986

You deserved it 2 062

Surprise!

By Anonymous - 12/10/2022 02:00

Today, at nine months pregnant, I stopped at a truck stop to use the restroom. I opened an unlocked stall door and stood face to face with a woman bent over wiping. She let out a scream so blood-curdlingly loud that I wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 136

By Mels - 06/01/2014 20:57 - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 995

You deserved it 15 747

By Anonymous - 14/01/2013 08:24 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I walked into the bathroom only to see my boyfriend sitting on the floor eating ice cream, crying. I'd say I was shocked, but this isn't the first time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 006

You deserved it 6 705

By Anonymous - 07/02/2012 12:04 - United States

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 217

You deserved it 6 906

By I'm screwed - 13/01/2013 01:30 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that my sleep-walking is so bad that I regularly text my friend while I sleep. I have no idea how many times this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 639

You deserved it 3 505

By dadadoo - 06/02/2012 04:09 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 877

You deserved it 3 337

By morg2000 - 17/02/2009 23:23 - Mexico

Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 603

You deserved it 3 168

By Kayla_BlowPop - 03/01/2014 08:34 - Canada - Amherst

Today, my water pipes froze and burst and I now have to take snow from my back yard and boil it down into water in order to flush my toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 310

You deserved it 3 962

Kayla_BlowPop tells us more.

Kayla_BlowPop 21

Friday 3 January 2014 23:30

Hey, I'm the OP. My pipes burst at about 2:00 AM so I couldn't take water from neighbours or call a friend. We figured out they froze at like five PM and we were all trying to unfreeze them. At that point it was just the hot water that didn't work. It actually happened to us once already, and we fixed it so we didn't think it was a big deal until they burst. We called the plumber the next day and we had water by the time I woke up. It was just my little sister and I who were melting the snow, because we were the only ones who had to pee. We made a really big mess and my sister kept flushing the toilet before we actually had enough water, making us have to start all over again. It was a horrible experience and my older brother refused to help. But now, it's just a really funny story to tell.

By it's just a name - 10/01/2013 05:53 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my husband and I found the perfect house, in our price range and everything we wanted in a house. However, the street it's on is called "Arbour Butte Road". My husband refuses to buy it because he doesn't want it to sound like he lives "in a tree's ass." I'm married to an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 339

You deserved it 6 327

By Anonymous - 03/02/2012 08:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 035

You deserved it 7 220

By Imslow - 05/04/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 648

You deserved it 3 603

By gnafron - 31/12/2013 11:30 - France - Grenoble

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 418

You deserved it 147

By Curly - 09/01/2013 00:26 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 393

You deserved it 2 749

Sex Ed is a mess

By Anonymous - 21/10/2022 12:00

Today, my daughter told me that she’s pregnant with twins. It would be an exciting piece of news, except for the fact that she’s a sophomore in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 195

By RustyRuski - 29/12/2013 22:58 - United States - Greenwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that we need to talk. I think he dumped me, but I'm not sure, because he muttered it in Russian and quickly left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 496

You deserved it 3 662

By MLS - 14/02/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 376

You deserved it 5 367

By idrathernotgiveoutmyname - 31/01/2012 02:50 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was texting the guy I like. He's really smart, funny, athletic, and cute. This all changed when he told me he was jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 951

You deserved it 8 900

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 19:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized the closest thing I've had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 548

You deserved it 5 812

By buster - 13/02/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on stage at a local preschool about fire safety. I'm 32 years old and passed out on stage because I felt extremely nervous and intimitated by a group of 4 year olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 352

You deserved it 8 228

By Anonymous - 24/12/2013 17:19 - United States - Lake Ariel

Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 127

You deserved it 4 052

By Username - 28/01/2012 19:47 - United States

Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 149

You deserved it 6 796

By uggo - 29/03/2011 17:12 - United States

Today, I walked into a room, where a guy was violently picking his nose. He kept picking. A very pretty girl walked in after me, and he immediately stopped and sat up straight. Apparently, I'm too ugly to motivate strangers to stop excavating their nasal cavities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 796

You deserved it 5 425

Save yourself

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 22:01

Today, I had to offer my boyfriend a no-hard-feelings opportunity to just leave. He never wanted to be a dad, but since we accidentally got pregnant and had our son, I’ve watched his mental health go downhill so fast I was afraid he’d kill himself if he kept forcing himself to stay with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 432

You deserved it 260

By lonelyinlondon - 21/08/2009 02:06 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 871

You deserved it 3 348

Trigger

By OhaiiKid - 07/03/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 491

You deserved it 26 075

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Keywords

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Today, after my poly relationship with a married couple ended, I found out that the wife is blaming me for their divorce. To avoid embarrassment She told everyone around town, including my employer, that I’m a homewrecker. Nevermind SHE’S the one who introduced me and ASKED me to be their third. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 158

You deserved it 572

Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future", even though he's entering a PhD program next year at a top university. Meanwhile, my dad's last relationship was with a 20-year-old hooker who ended up stealing his credit cards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 012

You deserved it 1 850

Today, I posted a TikTok with my male best friend. My boyfriend has been ghosting me ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 206

You deserved it 690

Today, I flew 8 hours to visit my boyfriend. When I arrived at the airport, and he started taking long to show up, I checked my email to see the info. I hit the junk mail by accident and found his last 10 emails in there. He had broken up with me a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 677

You deserved it 16 302

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 668

You deserved it 3 162

Today, I'm at the age where I'm supposed to be having the time of my life. I'm short and look so young that I get asked if I'm still in high school. Every girl I've ever known looks at me like a "little brother". The only girls who have shown interest are still too young to vote. I'm missing out on my 20s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 480

You deserved it 155