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Happiest place on Earth

By DwarvenWalrus - 16/08/2017 01:30

Today, I was at the water park in Disney World when I felt something run down my leg. I thought that I just hadn't dried off all the way, but when I looked down, there was diarrhea running out of my shorts. FML

agreeclassic 4 574

vote type 1 754

By C0olgirl - 03/04/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, my best friend and I came home from Japan. Her boyfriend and I have been having an affair before I left so I decided not to tell him she was coming with me. We just got off the plane and got a bite to eat, he was waiting for me so he could propose, my best friend was standing next to me. FML

agreeclassic 19 560

vote type 1 226 226

#priceless

By Clorpy - 30/03/2018 07:00

Today, I was at the Kings Avalanche game in Denver. Anže Kopitar scored a hat trick and people threw hats in. Someone ripped my own hat off my head and tossed it on the ice. It was a gift from my dead grandparents with my name stitched onto it. I’ve had it for 15 years. FML

agreeclassic 6 035

vote type 1 399

By best breast - 06/04/2018 00:00

Today, my husband and I hosted Easter dinner. Since I was in my own home, I breastfed without a cover. My sister-in-law stormed out in a rage, screaming that I was being obscene, and equated it to shooting heroin in front of her kids. Happy Easter indeed. FML

agreeclassic 5 231

vote type 1 690

Get help, moron!

By Anonymous - 29/05/2018 15:00

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

agreeclassic 4 847

vote type 1 226

By Doc - 18/08/2018 13:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I'm facing malpractice charges for neglecting a patient and failing to treat an infection. The patient had severe maggot-infested gangrene in his foot with exposed metatarsals, but refused amputation and all treatment. The judge is moving forward with the charges. FML

agreeclassic 3 998

vote type 1 211

Great prank bro

By notlilien - 14/11/2018 15:30

Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML

agreeclassic 3 262

vote type 1 299

Mystery

By Anonymous - 19/11/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, I signed for a delivery for my mom and something inside started to vibrate. I can't leave it because if she gets home and it's still vibrating she'll know I know what it is, but if I open it to turn it off, she'll know I've opened it and know what it is. Someone help me. FML

agreeclassic 3 931

vote type 1 393

By MystoganFT - 17/12/2015 02:55 - United States - Emmaus

Spicy

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

agreeclassic 25 241

vote type 1 1 838

By Holey - 11/04/2017 11:11

Today, while working for the public works department, I spent 10 hours in the rain repairing potholes on a dirt road. When I was almost finished, some ass-rag in a jacked-up redneck douche-mobile flew up the road, spinning his tires and flinging the stone out of nearly all the holes I had just filled. FML

agreeclassic 6 001

vote type 1 478

kdragonrose app_comment_confession_title

kdragonrose 10

Monday 10 April 2017 19:26

Op here. Yeah, I tried to tell them the road needs regraded, but a) I'm female and b) I'm just a laborer so no one bothers to listen to me. There are several elderly people on that particular road who have nothing to do but complain about the holes so that's why they sent me out. It still doesn't make it right for the rednecks to fly up the road and fling all the stone out. If I hadn't been ducking flying rocks, I would've gotten his license plate number and called the cops for distruction of public property. He put several dents in the 5500 Ram I was driving too.

By LemonLearn - 06/10/2016 20:59 - United States - New York

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

agreeclassic 15 095

vote type 1 1 115

Et tu, Brute?

By FML - 10/09/2017 16:00

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

agreeclassic 5 856

vote type 1 318

By unluckybirthdaykid - 11/09/2017 23:15

Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

agreeclassic 5 521

vote type 1 429

By toelie - 03/03/2018 19:00

Today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I went to the ER in the middle of the night for severe abdominal pain, fearing an ectopic pregnancy. Turns out it was just a wayward turd. FML

agreeclassic 3 900

vote type 1 492

By mom - 26/04/2018 15:00

Today, after it appeared my daughter was throwing away any vegetables in her school lunch, I packed her all vegetables so she would have to eat at least one. Nope! She threw them out and complained to school that "mommy doesn't feed" her. I got a call from the school. FML

agreeclassic 4 467

vote type 1 626

By Sad - 28/04/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

agreeclassic 218 532

vote type 1 15 344

Coinkydink

By zAstonish - 28/11/2019 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Spicy

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

agreeclassic 1 055

vote type 1 2 696

Rats!

By I’m screwed - 08/12/2018 15:30

Today, we’ve had a rat problem in our house for a few weeks. Recently I hid a bottle of booze in my room so my parents wouldn’t see it. But my parents saw a rat in my room and tore the whole thing apart to find it, eventually finding my bottle instead. I was literally ratted out by a rat. FML

agreeclassic 1 790

vote type 1 2 774

You have been warned

By AnalProbe - 12/03/2017 18:00

Spicy

Today, my mother warned me that if I ever have anal sex I will die. I'm 28. FML

agreeclassic 5 159

vote type 1 506

By Anonymous - 28/04/2017 21:00 - France - Paris

Today, as we were exchanging little affections in bed, my girlfriend suddenly burst into tears. I insisted on knowing why. She had just realized how much she missed her ex. FML

agreeclassic 6 734

vote type 1 430

Never touch the Xbox

By Unknown - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I turned off my boyfriend's Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "That's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML

agreeclassic 5 941

vote type 1 15 742

By alternativefacts - 10/07/2017 14:28

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

agreeclassic 4 974

vote type 1 1 236

Oh, hai Mark!

By sweet - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I discovered that despite locking the bathroom door of an airplane, a man is still fully capable of walking in on you changing your tampon. FML

agreeclassic 17 426

vote type 1 2 034

Gotcha!

By Anonymous - 02/07/2016 13:39 - United States - Revere

Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML

agreeclassic 15 491

vote type 1 1 121

Mommy Issues

By Anonymous - 28/06/2018 20:47

Today, my mother-in-law yanked my corset so tight that I shit myself. While wearing my dress. On my wedding day. FML

agreeclassic 4 592

vote type 1 414

By Anonymous - 02/01/2016 05:17 - United States - Norristown

Today, I have a stomach bug. I went to go downstairs, and my cat decided to dart between my legs, causing me to trip and fall down the stairs in a pinwheel of vomit. FML

agreeclassic 22 120

vote type 1 1 791

Perv

By WhyMe - 09/04/2017 22:00

Spicy

Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor, then followed up with, "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML

agreeclassic 6 422

vote type 1 396

By Me - 20/12/2016 01:40 - United States - Canyon Lake

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

agreeclassic 8 952

vote type 1 1 219

By Scarlett - 12/05/2017 21:00 - Brazil

Today, I was getting a visit from a co-worker when my 6-year-old son came in to ask me where the ointment was. I said that it was in my room, so he went there and soon came back with a tube of KY jelly asking "is this it, mom?" I died. FML

agreeclassic 4 150

vote type 1 1 053

By gotmilk? - 22/09/2015 13:41 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my dad was telling me some childhood stories. He mentioned I once started sucking on a cow's udder when I was 2, and I asked why didn't he stop me. His response: "You were an accident and I wasn't good at the parenting thing". FML

agreeclassic 26 674

vote type 1 1 852

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I've been waiting two months for eight eBay purchases to make it through my country's fucked up customs fiasco. I'm reduced to vicariously sharing in my husband's delivery of a litre of industrial vinegar. FML

agreeclassic 722

vote type 1 140

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

agreeclassic 11 887

vote type 1 43 629

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML

agreeclassic 32 776

vote type 1 17 874

Today, my wife of twelve years got drunk and told me the best sex she’s ever had was with her first ex after they broke up. FML

agreeclassic 1 022

vote type 1 195

Today, I’ve been writing a novel, so I had my brother read it. He pointed out that the heroine's lover, who she hates most of the time but has hot nasty sex with, pretty much describes our dad. I based the heroine on me, so now I want to be sick every time I read the sex scenes I wrote. FML

agreeclassic 935

vote type 1 551

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

agreeclassic 36 011

vote type 1 2 795