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By Anonymous - 21/03/2012 09:54 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I needed to buy a new helmet. When I got to the sports shop, there was only one left in my size and preferred color. Thirty minutes after buying it, my head starts itching. Turns out I paid $40 for lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 985

You deserved it 2 492

By emergencyroom - 15/03/2014 12:21 - United States - Parkton

Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 482

You deserved it 9 399

By notsober - 20/03/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. About 2 hours later, he got to hold my hair while I puked, also for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 066

You deserved it 6 949

Domestic

By baberuth - 19/06/2015 22:21 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 882

You deserved it 4 515

By terrified - 08/06/2015 03:13 - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 284

You deserved it 3 648

Broke boy

By Noname - 02/03/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 835

You deserved it 21 272

Night fight

By FistFighter - 09/04/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 949

You deserved it 12 986

By Anonymous - 12/04/2015 20:57 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 977

You deserved it 6 181

Snooping

By ks0300 - 24/02/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 327

You deserved it 2 198

911 what's your emergency?

By midwify - 05/01/2015 17:58 - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 334

You deserved it 7 701

By litup - 04/07/2009 22:48 - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 722

You deserved it 6 593

By Saucy - 26/06/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I got marinara sauce on my new white shirt. I went in my desk for my Tide-To-Go pen and started using it on the spot. Turns out orange highlighters look a lot like Tide-To-Go pens when you don't look closely enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 590

You deserved it 50 604

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 16:20 - Canada - Sherbrooke

Today, at work, I put on a smile and went to take an elderly gentleman's order. He looked at me, asked if I'd stick a finger in his sweet tea to make it sweeter, then complained that it was a shame I wasn't "on the menu". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 298

You deserved it 3 927

By oops - 18/05/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 515

You deserved it 10 831

Home sweet home

By Deadcat101 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa, and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 359

You deserved it 2 000

By Anonymous - 22/08/2015 09:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my wife accused me of cheating. Why? Because I recently started working out, and according to her, no married man tries to improve his physique unless he's trying to look good for other women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 463

You deserved it 4 659

By Anonymous - 17/04/2013 05:39 - United States - Long Beach

Today, at the exact moment that I leaned over to show my dad a picture on my phone, my boyfriend texted me: "I'm no weather man, but you can expect a few inches tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 416

You deserved it 13 988

By anonymous - 11/08/2010 19:19 - Canada

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 959

You deserved it 7 264

Thanks, Stephen King

By Anonymous - 23/03/2013 00:02 - United States - Buford

Today, on Facebook, I mentioned that I'd just finished reading the novel Pet Sematary. Two hours later, I'd lost two friends and my boyfriend, after they commented "learn to spell, dumbass", "u illiterate fucker", and "well, I'm not dating you for your brains, am I?" I hate humanity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 760

You deserved it 8 016

By Kyle - 10/05/2011 10:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 999

You deserved it 47 005

Am I being detained?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, a police car hit my parked vehicle, likely due to icy road conditions. When the officer came over to talk to me, I assumed it was to give me his insurance information. Nope. It was to give me a ticket for "impeding a police officer." My car was in my driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 629

You deserved it 2 637

Gutted

By babysitter93 - 22/07/2009 12:17 - United States

Today, I was fired from the babysitting job I've had for 2 years. I thought maybe the mother had found out that I sometimes let her kids stay up late and have extra sweets. The real reason, as she told me, was that she didn't want her kids loving anyone more than they love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 018

You deserved it 3 576

By Foreverathome - 28/09/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of telling my parents I was going to live on my own, I finally moved out. Not even 24 hours being out of their house, some reject burned down the apartment complex I live in. Guess who's moving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 942

You deserved it 2 579

By concertqueen - 27/08/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. The music was great, but the drunk guys behind me made it hard to pay attention. Half way through the second act, one of them took it upon themselves to start peeing on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 560

You deserved it 2 768

By waymoreiwanted - 15/02/2014 03:21 - United States - Ashland

Today, I opened up a Snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 007

You deserved it 9 637

By WayTooMuchFacebook - 04/02/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, I read some funny scribblings on a wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to "Like" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 136

You deserved it 33 546

By ghost? - 16/12/2012 08:31 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 589

You deserved it 2 946

Not a good sign

By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 21:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, the guy I like shoved me out of the way so he could talk to another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 909

You deserved it 5 189

By xetsa - 13/02/2010 05:23 - France

Today, I realized for the last year that my husband has been home from Iraq, I haven't gotten more than a few hours of sleep at night. Not because he gets nightmares, but because he now snores so loud that the pets sleep at the other end of the house to get rest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 743

You deserved it 3 235

It's just a prank, bro!

By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - 21/10/2012 23:00 - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 595

You deserved it 2 423

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The Top

Today, I went to hang out with an older friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a while. It was pretty fun and I was having a great time. That is, of course, until I hugged him goodbye and he leaned in and whispered in my ear, "I think we were fated to hook up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 722

You deserved it 384

Today, I was sitting in my car waiting my shift to start. I must've fallen asleep because I woke up to a call from my boss firing me. I was in the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 088

You deserved it 23 549

Today, I fractured my finger setting up a rat trap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 851

You deserved it 13 617

Today, I went out to dinner. The waiter was pretty cute. He greets us, "Hi my name is... (long pause) Jordan." Thinking he was flirting, I quickly smart back, "Are you confused?" He says, "No actually, I have a stutter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 906

You deserved it 69 807

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 260

You deserved it 4 960

Today, I had to file for bankruptcy because my ex-wife didn't want to pay for the house she didn't want me to have in the divorce, and didn't bother to have my name removed from the loan before she filed bankruptcy herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 898

You deserved it 3 587