The Top

I said I'll check with my manager and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. We didn't end up making it but he had 4 orders of crispy chicken patties instead.

Turn off

By whatdoesitmatter - 01/10/2013 10:47 - India - Erayu

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 203

You deserved it 12 021

By derbyboy - 19/10/2011 05:38 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 161

You deserved it 22 109

Help!

By spasticock - 19/08/2012 18:09 - Portugal - Barreiro

Today, I climbed the tree in my backyard so I could cut off some stray branches. I ended up getting stuck, and instead of immediately getting help, my wife started laughing and recording me. The video is now circulating on Facebook, and my new nickname is "Hawkeye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 393

You deserved it 3 695

By srloin - 21/09/2011 16:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 296

You deserved it 3 468

By Jake - 29/04/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 117

You deserved it 6 234

How dare you?

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 20:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and the words "Fuck you." Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 417

You deserved it 2 602

By BluesMan1990 - 16/09/2009 10:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 494

You deserved it 21 539

Have fun

By lonelyniceguy - 24/03/2010 23:50 - United States

Today, my sister's boyfriend came over to the house. I thought I would be nice and cook them both a dinner along with my own. Mine took a little longer to cook, so they ate before me and went back to her bedroom. I ate alone to the sound of them having fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 755

You deserved it 4 684

By InTheDoghouse23 - 24/08/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 863

You deserved it 59 383

By dumbbass - 24/02/2010 19:43 - Canada

Today, I spilled a glass of iced tea all over my desk. It trickled down the wall and fried an extension cord. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 746

You deserved it 9 330

By Michelle C - 26/01/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 775

You deserved it 5 585

Oh Lawd, he coming

By KidKillah - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Napa

Today, a small kid looked at me, screamed in terror, and hid behind his dad. I was just walking down the same aisle in the store. This is far from the first time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 589

You deserved it 3 282

By Anonymous - 24/07/2013 16:36 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 381

You deserved it 6 556

By Anonymous - 01/07/2013 18:03 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 468

You deserved it 6 303

By yellowjacket_34 - 13/11/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 802

You deserved it 54 512

By Millian2 - 08/04/2012 02:10 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I learned that when you take off your sweatshirt, it can get stuck in your braces. I was in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 044

You deserved it 3 717

By ohcrap - 28/09/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 076

You deserved it 4 614

By Anonymous - 23/01/2013 01:33 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 987

You deserved it 2 557

By suckstobeme - 24/03/2010 15:00 - United States

Today, I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 364

You deserved it 4 721

By mehdi-online - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 733

You deserved it 18 039

By that guy - 18/11/2014 00:19

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 675

You deserved it 30 963

By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 01:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 903

You deserved it 4 409

Sole music

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, a thumb tack came out of one of my posters on my wall. The sole of my foot had the pleasure of finding it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 398

You deserved it 3 982

Poked

By Facebook - 13/06/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, I logged into Facebook for the first time in a month. I had only 3 new notifications, that were to tell me that the poker application I used on there "missed me" and wanted to give me 10,000 free chips. My poker app talks to me more than my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 661

You deserved it 6 643

By ArmyIT - 05/11/2014 23:42 - Korea, Republic of

Today, I took a army-mandated personality evaluation test. The results said I had a high chance of schizophrenia and multiple personality syndrome. Part of me says that the test is probably spot-on, the other part says it has to be a mistake. Apparently this is another sign of schizophrenia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 910

You deserved it 3 153

ArmyIT tells us more.

ArmyIT 13

Thursday 6 November 2014 12:56

It's not like it's something I just decided was a symtom. It was my psychiatrists opinion/word that it was. They now want me to do further testing. its just disheartening to know that I could lose my job over this.

By oink oink fuck off - 29/07/2012 18:49 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 976

You deserved it 3 723